tacitum dolorem
by cerebrumversatile
Summary: Alice's parents were killed by Vampires. She moves to Forks. She meets beautiful Bella Cullen, a vampire. Alice is human. A/B J/E Em/R C/E
1. Chapter 1

Tacita Sors

I don't think one heart can carry as much hatred as mine does. I don't think one heart shall be allowed to carry as my anger as mine does.

I'll never be the same..._How could I? After..._

Forks, of all the places, fate could've chose for me, it had to be the rainiest place in the country. Send a depressed person here, yeah good one. But I guess I don't deserve better. I'll never will. Not after what I did, not after what I didn't do.

My name is Alice Brandon, Mary Alice Brandon and I am a murderer.

Today was my first day in highschool, I once thought that it was great to start school. I once thought there was nothing more exiting than meeting new people. I don't anymore. I am here but I'd rather be somewhere else. I am always here instead of somewhere else.

People say I lost myself after _the accident_, truth is I didn't, I changed. No thing's ever lost everything is just changing.

At least here no one knew about me, about who I was, no familiar faces, no pity looks, no side glances. Here I was no one, I was anyone. And that's exactly what I wanted to be. At least that what I thought. Small towns! . I didn't even exit my car, people were already staring. I walked silently to the door, heading to the admissions.

"Hello, you must be the new girl! I am Sam" smiled a young boy at me.

_Oh Sam, would you be so nice, if you knew me._

"Hello, I am Alice" I smiled back "I have to go grab my schedule"

"I'll come with you, and show you around" he smiled

"Thank you"

_Will I have to fake smiles everyday! Tell me Sam!_

"So you come from Mississippi?"

_How do you know? What do you know?_

"I am only saying that because of your accent, was I right?" he kept smiling

"Yes, you are" I said blankly

"That's cool, I mean it'll take you a while to adapt to the weather, Forks isn't sunny everyday" he laughed

_Dear small talk, you have been missed. Welcome back!_

"Yes I guessed" I was pretty proud of my false laugh.

_I can act after all_

"Here is the administration office, I'll see you later Alice, it was nice meeting you"

"You too, thanks for guiding me" I smiled.

As soon as he gave me his back, my fake smile disappeared. I'll get better at this. Will I ever smile for real again. Did I want to?

I was legally called an emancipated kid, but I wasn't neither emancipated nor a kid anymore.

Being a kid implies that you have innocence, that you haven't seen how ugly the world really is, and being emancipated means that your parents gave away their parental rights. My parents didn't they were dead. Dead because I couldn't save them. Dead because I once were a kid.

My first lunch break in Forks high school, final arrived. I hoped I will find a table to sit alone, and be able to not talk to anyone. I didn't. Sam introduced me to his friends and made me sat with them. I sound like an ungrateful b***. But it's not that, it's nice of them to try to make me feel welcomed, but the thing is I wish I was invisible, I wish I could just be invisible.

"So, Alice how are you liking Forks so far?" asked a girl named Jessica

"It 's cold but cool" I smiled.

"Yeah, right." laughed a boy named Mike

Just like that the whole table became silent, they all watched toward the cafeteria door, I did too.

_No it's impossible Alice you are imagining things! Vampires!_

"These are the Cullen's, all adopted by Doctor Cullen and his wife" said Jessica

_They go to high school why would there be any vampires in Forks high school of all the places._

"The bronze haired guy is Edward, the blond girl is Rosalie and the big one is Emmett, the other boy is Jasper and the last one is Bella"

_She was so beautiful, but then again she was designed to be. Their eyes were golden, and not red. What did it mean._

The girl named Bella,turned and smiled at me, a beautiful big smile, on her flawless face. I didn't smile back, but it took me all the strength in the world. I am going to leave Forks. I am leaving tomorrow.

The boy named Edward was staring at me with a look of pure shock. What has he never seen a girl.

_That was a stupid thought. Maybe he just wants to suck you dry. That's more plausible. Breathe, breathe, Calm down, I don't have to stay. I can't stay. I never want to see vampires again, I never want to see them again._

The boy named Edward took his eyes off me, and whispered something in Jasper's ear. A wave of calm suddenly passed through me.

_Okay, think Alice, think. You left your hometown to escape the same specie that is having lunch a few feet away from me._

"Hey, Alice!" said Mike shaking me gently

"Oh sorry" I said

"It's okay, I guess we all were struck by their beauty the first time" he smiled.

_Their beauty! I couldn't care less about their beauty, most beautiful things in this life are poisoned._

"I have to go" I got up and left the cafeteria.

_I will go home pack my stuff, I have enough money to leave, plus it wasn't too late to change school._

"Wait up" I heard behind me.

The Cullen's were following me. All of them. Five of them.

"What?" I said harshly

"We mean no harm"

I scoffed.

_Yeah sure!_

When I looked up, the girl named Bella, looked like I just stabbed her.

"What do you want?" I asked less harshly this time

"We want to know, how you know what we are?" said Edward

"One information for another"

"Okay" he agreed

"I've met those of your kind in the past. Now my turn, why your eyes are gold and not red?"

"Because we feed of animals not humans" said Bella.

_Of course they'd lie. Haven't I learned a single thing._

"She is not lying, we only feed of animals."

"Are we going to have problems with you?" snarled at me the blond girl.

A groan escaped Bella's throat.

"Rosalie!"

_What! is she seriously defending me. Maybe they feed of animals after all. It doesn't matter I am leaving._

"You don't have to leave town" said Edward " We won't hurt you"

"How do you know what I want?" I hissed

"I can read minds" he said

"Edward, she doesn't need to know" snarled again Rosalie

_He can read minds just what I needed! Stop thinking! Run! Stop thinking._

He chuckled.

"Look Alice, we mean you no harm, please keep silent about what you know"he pleaded

_I don't want to go back to an asylum, damn right I'll keep silent._

"Okay, deal. I'll stay in Forks and will not talk about you guys."

_I let that go too easily, what was I suppose to do, if I said no I would end up dying, maybe that's what I deserve after all. I didn't give my parents choice._

I started walking again. I am skipping school today. Too much to think about.

"Hey wait" It was Bella alone this time

I stopped and stared at her, I hoped my face was blank. I hope she doesn't know I am struggling, because I want to talk to her so bad, I want to get to know her. Maybe it's a Stockholm syndrome. The hell I know. I am not suppose to tolerate vampires.

"I wanted to apologize for Rosalie's behavior and thank you, for not saying anything"

I nodded, and started walking again. _I know rude!_

"Wait up" she called again, smiling sheepishly at me.

A part of the cold jail, I trapped my heart in melted.

"I wanted to introduce myself correctly. My name is Bella Cullen and I hope we could be friends"

"Nice to meet you, my name is Alice Brandon and I don't do friends" I said.

Again she looked like I stabbed her.

"Look I am sorry, it's not you, or even the fact that you are what you are. It's just...Forget it" I said

She still looked sad. The hell I care about her feelings. Do they even have feelings?

"Okay, it's okay" she said walking away from me.

I ran out of school, jumped in my car and drove away.

_Vampires! Again. It was too soon. Too soon. Way too soon_.

When I was a little girl I would get glimpses of the future. At first It only happened when I was asleep. I'd dream of what would happen school the next morning. I would dream of a surprise test. It was fun, I was happy with my gift. Troubles started when I started talking about it. Even my loving parents didn't seem happy about it. They send me to a therapist. He claimed I was fantasizing all that because I needed attention. Stupid useless, incompetent prick.

My state wasn't getting better, I was still getting visions at night, but I lied about it. So for a few months everything was okay again. But I started having my flashed in the morning when I was wide awake. They hit me in public. Lying wasn't possible anymore. My lovely therapist suggested occasional asylum treatments. At first my parents refused but then they said it was for the better. What was once occasional became regular. I only got out for vacations or birthdays.

Last year, I had a vision while I was asleep, it was one of two men and a girl, stopping at my parents house asking for a shelter. My father didn't have the time to answer that one of the men showed fangs and drank all his blood. My mother screamed but had the same end only this time inflected by the red-haired girl.

I woke up, sweating. I thought it was a dream. I was sure It was a dream. How could I've guessed that Vampires were real. How could I guess?

_It doesn't matter you should've. Right I should've I could've save them. But I didn't I am an idiot. A idiot full of regret. I'll never forgive myself for that mistake._

I kept dreaming about these red eyed monsters, but it was only at night. Like fate found it funny to torture me.

One day it hit me in the day, In the bright light. I knew it wasn't a dream. But it was too late when I called home a police officer answered the phone and was sorry for my loss. Did he even know what I lost. Everything. That's what I lost everything I ever had and everything I'll ever have will be lost sacrificed on the guilt altar.

That's why I am here, alone, because I couldn't prevent my parent's death despite the signs! Damn it despite seeing it clearly. Because apart my parents I had no one. Because after they found out that my medical record I was doing fine, that took a lot of lying, they set me free from the asylum. Free to blow my legacy. Because I wasn't worthy of anything anymore. Was I?

I don't blame the Cullen's for what others did, and I shouldn't have been harsh to them. If my parents were murdered by humans I wouldn't be mad at every human I met.

Especially not at Bella, I don't know how to explain it but she got in. All these years I've kept people out especially since ….their death. But she got in. And I don't know How. And I don't know what to do about it.

**Here I don't know what it's worth. Let me know if I should keep going or move to something else :)**

**Thank you**


	2. Chapter 2

I didn't sleep that night. Lately sleeping was becoming an issue. My head always wandered in places I wanted to avoid. My dreams...or should I say nightmares woke me up every hour. I was beginning to conteplate a sleep deprived life. But that night I kept thinking about the Cullen's, they knew that I knew, they could kill me no one will ever know, no one will ever care. I live alone, I have no family left, I am not only lonely I am all alone.

I got up from bed, at some point, and opened the window and stared outside like somekind of answer was waiting for me there. And just like that I felt like the landscape was looking back at me. I felt a little bit of the tension in my shoulders disappear. I wonder why?

I close the window, I don't deserve any break from the guilt...

Getting ready for school when you didn't even catch a break, an hour of sleep, a glimpse of rest, isn't something easy. But I did it. I was driving to my own personal reality show. Wear a smile, laugh with people, act like a normal person, act like someone who doesn't carry the burden I carry.

Today I'll start my day with Maths, I'll have my bright smile and today I'll make sure I'll make it through the day, that is if no other supernatural mythical creatures come for lunch. When I finally found the biology class a few hours later, I was already late, yes, sometimes life is wonderful.

"Miss Brandon, I see you decided to join us, please take a seat next to Miss Cullen"

I turn around to see Bella, smiling from cheek to cheek at me.

_Huh! No! Seriously! _

I nodded at my teacher, faked a smiled at Bella when I sat next to her.

_Why does it hurt to fake a smile at her._

Bella seemed to notice my smile was unsincere, because her face fell. I felt another hit of guilt.

_No! not this the last thing I need is more guilt. Please I have enough already._

"Hello" she said politely "How are you doing today?"

_I am broken, guilty, sad, lonely, useless, pained..._

"Fine, thank you" _I've been doing "Fine" forever now._ "How are you?"

She seemed to not believe me, she looked at me, her eyes begging for the truth. Why did she care? I said I was fine, play along. Let's master the ambient social masquerade. That's what highschool is for anyway.

"I am fine too" she wore a pained expression as she said that.

_Great wonderful conversation..._

"So, Alice what brings you to Forks?" she asked me.

_I hate that she talks to me. I would die a little if she stopped. _

"Life" _Death. _

It's the only explanation, I could give...It's the only thing I could say without bursting into tears.

"I am sorry, I didn't mean to pry" she said appologetic

I only nodded. Not trusting my voice. I was in Forks because of death, death that I caused. Would she be so nice to me if she knew? If she knew that I let my own blood die...

A few moments passed in silence, when only ten minutes were left before the end of the course..

"You're not really talkative" she stated

_I used to be...God! People used to beg me to shut up...But now I have no words left...My mouth wasn't worthy of most of the words..Not anymore._

"I don't have anything to say" I said emotionless.

"I doubt that" she whispered

"You don't know me" I stated

"Everyone has something to say. And I want to know you" she smiled.

_Stop being nice at me! Why in the world couldn't I get invisibility as a gift...For all I know my life would've gone a lot better._

"Some things are better left unsaid"

_My heart broke at these words. Me , the one who turned silence into a weapon and killed my parents with it. I dared prommote silence. I am a piece of..._

The bell rang. I got up as quick as my quivering legs allowed it.

I need to breathe. I need to get out.

I ran toward the exit. I ran, outside school. Thanks god it was lunch break. I had an hour to break down and be fresh for afternoon classes.

I ran into the woods next to school. And I let myself fall. I cried, I cried for them, I cried for me. I cried. My sobs made my whole body shake uncontrollably.

When my eyes opened I saw The Cullen's the five of them. Standing in front of me.

Bella took a step toward me. I took a step back. Her face reflected more pain than I thought she could bare. I never want to see her that sad. I moved back to my original position and gave her an apologetic look. It did the trick, all pain left her face.

"Are you okay?" asked Edward

_Huh yeah tots, I cry in the woods every day it's good for my skin._

He smiled at me.

_Duh he can read you. Stop thinking! Coun 5, wait what are they doing here? Did they follow me? Oh god __they're going to end me in the woods? It is what I deserve after all...I won't fight it._

"We're not here to harm you" he said

At his word Bella looked at me with sadness. All I seem to do is make her sad, maybe I should stop meeting her, or seeing her.

"Alice, our father Carlisle Cullen, wants to meet you" said Jasper

I felt calm, all of a sudden. God if only I could feel like that more often at least I'll sleep sometimes.

"What?! I said finally registering his words

"We told him about our encounter, and he would like to talk to you" spoke softly Bella

"Oh! So basically you want me to follow five vampires somewhere where we can meet other vampires. And I'll face a few vampires and we can what? Talk and have a drink together is that it?" I said harshly

Their face fell, and I cursed myself

"I am sorry, I didn't mean to be rude"

"No, it's okay said Edward I understand"

"No, look I agree. You guys lived here for quite a while without any noticeable murders, I should know better than that. I'll meet him"

"Great! Esmee is really excited to meet you, since Bella..."

The blond Rosalie girl slapped his arm.

Bella looked like she wanted earth to swallow her. And looked at me like I was going to run at any moment.

"Okay, we'll leave you alone" said Edward

"Okay" I nodded.

Bella didn't move. When we were alone she spoke again.

"Why were you crying?" she asked softly

Why was i crying! If only you knew why i was crying.

I didn't answer

"please Alice talk to me" she pleaded.

Why would i? Why should i? Why did i matter to her? Would you still care if you knew what i did? What i didn't?

"I have to go" I said breathlessly

Walking away

"wait please" I stopped but didn't turn around.

"I know we don't know each other, but if you ever feel like talking please know that I'll be there" she said

I nodded and started walking away again.

"wait, we'll meet Carlisle tonight, all you have to do is follow us with your car. Is that okay?"

"yes, i guess it is" I whispered knowing she could hear anyway.

I walked away.

The rest of the day was quiet. I avoided everyone and tried as hard as i could to focus on the lessons.

I couldn't help bu wonder what this Carlisle wanted to talk to me about, what he looked like, his eyes color.

I walked towards my car, to find Bella, the beautiful, Bella, so beautiful.

_Yes please Alice, Let's do that, let's fantasize about a vampire girl you just met! It's exactly what you need. _

I cursed myself. After that meeting I'll do my best to avoid them. _To avoid her._

"We figured it would be easier if I just ride with you and show you the way"

"Yeah, Okay"

I sat on the driver seat, as Bella sat next to me.

I hate driving with someone. You always have to make conversation but the last thing I wanted to do was talk. Talking had soon became for me a synonym of danger, of pain.

I started the engine.

"Thanks again for agreeing to this, I know it must be very difficult for you to trust us" she said

_Like anything was easy for me lately! _

"Yeah it's okay" I answered

"Do you always do that?"

"Do what?"

"Think of something and say something else"

"You can read minds too?"

"No, I am just observant"

_Well, please observe someone else! Nobody should know what's going on in my head. I spent too many years explaining it to psychiatrists._

"Oh, okay" I said

She chuckled.

"I take that as a yes"

_What is she on about?_

"Yes to what?"

"Yes you never say what you think, always choose other words than yours" her tone was soft and gentle.

I hope I met her in another life, in one where I am not this fucked up. We could've been friends. We could've been more if she allowed it. But not here, not now. Not anymore.

"We are almost there she said after a moment"

_My heart beat quickened. Was it bad that I hoped they were all lying and planning on killing me. I am not suicidal. I don't deserve an easy way out..._

Bella kept throwing glances to me. It was hard to try and ignore someone who reached out for you. It was hard to fight the urge of stopping the car and tell her everything, to see her face harden to see her eyes turn stern and to see her walk away...

"It's here" she said when we stopped in front of a beautiful house.

I found the rest of the clan already there, waiting for me at the door. There were two more vampires a man and a woman.

The man approached me and gave me his hand to shake.

"Hello, I am Carlisle Cullen"

I contemplated that hand, I shook it. His hands were cold as death. I suppose...

"Hi, I am Esmee Cullen. It's nice to finally meet you Alice" she took a step to pull me into a hug. I retreated so quickly I almost fell.

Her gesture was so sudden so unusual. My parents weren't the hugging type. The only times their skin came in contact with mine ended up being painful memories.

"I am sorry honey, I didn't mean to startle you"

I only nodded at her, ashamed by my own weakness. Maybe I was crazy after all.

"Maybe we should get inside" suggested Carlisle

"I am Alice Brandon" I blurted out " I mean I am sorry I didn't introduce myself properly"

They all smiled, was I a funny person?

Once we were in the living room, I took a moment to see the house around me. It must feel good living here. I don't really remember my room at home. At I shared the one in the asylum. The place I loved in right now in Forks was lifeless while this house breathed life. Ironic isn't it.

"Alice, do you want to drink or to eat something?" asked Esmee

_Eat and drink, that was for other times, now I feed when my body crave for it._

"No, thank you" I answered my voice blank

"Alice, I've been told that you know our existence but accepted to keep it for you and I wanted to thank you for that. And for coming here today" spoke the coven leader.

_Yeah right! I've been called crazy once, it'll never happen again!_

"You're welcome"

"I wanted to know if you had any questions and also if I could ask you some of my own"

"What do you want to know?" I asked emotionless.

"Edward said you knew about us because you met those of our kind, but he also suggested that the ones you met were red-eyed. I must tell you that red eyes means they drink human blood"

_My heart broke a little more. I know! I know what they drink! _

I clenched my jaws and nodded.

"I guess what I want to know Alice, is how did you met them?"

_Don't cry! You don't deserve pity! Don't cry!_

I inhaled longly.

"I'd rather not answer that" I said not being able to control my voice.

"It's okay" smiled Carlisle at me "Do you have any questions?"

_Did I? What did I want to know?_

"Do you feel guilt? I mean do Vampires feel guilt?"

_I wanted to know if somewhere, the three monsters felt at least a little bit of what I felt._

As the question exit my mouth, every face showed sadness and understanding.

"I guess some of them do, but the truth is most of them don't"

_I guess my hope is as good in the gutter..._

"Alice, would your parents mind if you had dinner with us" asked Esmee sweetly.

my stomach has dropped. I felt the bile lava rise in my throat. I felt Bella's arm guiding me quickly to the bathroom.

I threw up in a house that was not mine, I rinsed the mouth and went out. No sooner had I opened the door I found myself in the arms of Bella.

With her arms wrapped around me I felt good. But I had to go, I had to let go, if I got attached and she found about my past, it will destroy what's left of me.

I tried to pull away, but she brought me back to her chest, and whispered in my ear.

"Please let me be there for you"

So I stood there enjoying a comfort that I didn't deserve, a comfort that I'll feel guilty about later.

Eventually she let go of me, and grabbed my hand to guide me to the living room again.

"Honey are you okay?" asked Esmee.

"Yes, I am sorry about..."

"Don't you dare, it's okay to be sick. So about that dinner" She asked again

"My parents...My parents don't live with me" I said keeping tears at bay

"Oh? Are they far away"

_It depend what you think about death..._

I didn't have the time to answer, Edward did it for me.

"Mom Alice's parents are … They're gone"

_Don't cry! Just walk away and don't look back._

As soon as I started walking I was in Bella's arms again.

"Please don't leave" she whispered in my ear.

_I hated my body, for the shiver it sent down my spine._

"I am so sorry honey, I didn't know. I am sorry" said Esmee

I pulled away from Bella. Taking all the remaining strength of my body I spoke again.

"Don't be sorry." my voice was cold "Thank you for this conversation, and again sorry for getting sick in your house.

"You know, I am about to say something, please don't take any offense but your secret is safe with me, whether we talk to each other or not, so don't feel like you have to" I said bluntly.

I was met with silence. Okay that's done.

I started walking to the door.

"Hey, I still talk to you anyway, I am highly amused by your size" spoke Emmett.

I laughed. I actually laughed at this. I laughed for the first time in more than a year. It hurts a bit. But I laughed.

When I opened my eyes, I saw Bella looking at me with a smile on her face. But her eyes met mine and she looked at me like she was seeing me for the first time.

"Honey, you are welcomed here anytime, it's not because we owe you even if we do, but because we want to" spoke Esmee.

"Thank you"

"Come on, sit a while longer" smiled Bella.

I didn't have the strength to deny her that. I'll stay. Tonight will be enough to wallow in self hatred.

I did as I was told.

Suddenly I thought about something.

"Edward do you speak French?"

"No, I don't" he answered right away.

_Do you hear me? _[**Thought in French]**

He chuckled.

"Interesting, but I still understand" he said

"Well done FODOR" I whispered

"Who's Fodor?" asked Jasper

"He's a philosopher, he claimed that they weren't any languages in thoughts but one universal language. Apparently he was right"

"You love philosophy?" asked Bella

"I had a lot of time in my hands and a lot of reachable books" I answered.

"Alice, Do you live alone?" asked Esmee

I nodded.

"But how come you are only seventeen?"

"I am an emancipated Kid" I stated

"Well, if you ever need to talk, to be surrounded you are welcomed here"

_Here it comes, pity, the undeserved pity._

"Thank you, I have to go though" I said getting up

"I'll drive you" said Bella

"I came with my car"

"I'll drive with your car then"

"How will you come back?" I asked

She chuckled.

"I am a fast runner" she smiled

_Yeah sure, that is stupid_

"Okay, thank you" I smiled and turned to the other Cullen's

"It was nice meeting you." I smiled

"Thank you, it was nice meeting you too"

I walked out, followed by Bella.

"You really don't have to do that" I said again

"I want to"

We were driving for a few minutes.

"You have a beautiful laugh you know" she said smiling at me

"Thank you"

"Alice if you ever want to talk about anything, you know about.."

"I know" I cut her. I didn't want to her that word again. My stomach won't handle it well

"Well, I am here"

"Thank you" I said

She pulled next to my house, and gave me back my car keys.

"Here you are, what are you going to do?"

"Sleep" _Try to!_

"Please promise me you'll eat something"

"What?"

"You didn't have lunch, nor breakfast I suppose. I heard your stomach growl when we drove to my house. Please Alice eat"

"You think I have a food disorder?"

"No, but sometimes eating is not a priority" she stated

"Okay" I said

"Promise" she said again

"Okay, I promise" I said

She flashed a smile at me.

"Good night Alice" she kissed my cheek

"Good night Bella"

And just like that she ran.

I ate a sandwich. I brushed my teeth, I got in my underwear, under the blanket and I slept.

Well more like fainted from exhaustion.

**Here is for the second chapter :)**

**Let me know what you think**

**Thank you**


	3. Chapter 3

I woke up sweating, I had a vision...

The last one I had was the one about Vampires after that it stopped but tonight I saw...

This time I will not stand still...

_Jasper was going to lose control at school. I won't let it happen though._

I hurried to school. Once there I waited for the Cullen's car. When they pulled I ran towards them.

"Hi, Alice how are you?" asked Bella with a smile on her face.

"Hi, Fine thank you"

_Edward listen to me. You have to leave. Leave school today. You and Jasper please trust me._

"What's going on?" asked Rosalie.

"Why should we leave?"

"You won't regret it, please trust me"

"Why don't you let me in your head and stop counting?"

"Because I have my own secrets" I stated

"We'll stay Alice I am sorry. I can't just accept your words" said Rosalie

"You'll regret it." _Edward when you'll get to choose, sit with him, and stop him._

With that I walked away. Why couldn't they just leave?

"Alice, wait"

Every time I heard this sentence Bella was following me.

"What was that about?"

"Nothing" I said.

_It was about the fact that I am a freak who can see the future, please lock me up again, I love to be called crazy._

"It didn't look like nothing" she smiled.

I didn't answer. Yesterday when she comforted me I understood something. If I don't tell her the truth, she'll think I am a victim, she'll hold me while I sob, but I am not...I am the bad person. If I tell her the truth on the other hand she'll leave me, without a second glance, without a single whisper. She'll despise me. I couldn't decide what was worst...

"It must be a very appealing place" I heard Bella say.

"I am sorry I don't understand"

"I said your mind must be a very appealing place because you can't stop closing off in there" she smiled "or maybe I am a very boring person" she kept smiling.

_My mind appealing, it's hell and I just can't get out. I am trapped condemned to be me..._

"You don't seem boring" I stated

_You seem appealing .._

"So why won't you talk to me?" she inquired. Her tone was amused but I felt there was a true need for the answer.

"I don't talk to anyone really" I said hoping it'll make her feel better.

"I am glad that I am not anyone" she smiled softly at me.

_You have no idea! You're so not anyone!_

"Seriously though, I really want to become your friend"

"Why?" I couldn't help but ask.

"Because I want to know you"

_You wan to know me I am a sick freak. A murderer. I don't deserve to be known by you. I don't even deserve to be standing alive while they're in a grave._

_I_ didn't answer what should I say? I want to know you too but I never want you to know me. I can stand the idea that someday you'll look at me like my parents did when you'll know about my gift/curse? I won't be able to prevent the rest of me fro shattering when you'll know what I did. It's not worth it I am not worth it.

"I think I would love peanut butter" she said

"What?"

"I think if I could taste stuff like humans do, I would love peanut butter" she said again

'I smiled at her.

_Peanut butter really. I picture you very well, your naked body after we made love, eating straight from the jar._

_Alice!_

"Peanut butter is good" I said with a husky voice.

"You like it?"

"I am not a huge fan of food" I said

"I can relate to that" she smiled

"Did you just joke about your feeding …..habits?" I asked

"Yes is it bad?"

"No, I guess not"

I heard her inhale longly.

"Alice, would you like to hang out with me after school?"

_Wait, why?_

"Does Carlisle wants to see me again?"

She chuckled. Her laughter is my favorite sound in the world

"No, Alice I said hang out with me, not the whole Cullen clan"

_If Edward fail at stopping Jasper, I don't think I'll be seeing any of you anytime soon._

"I feel like your father will want to talk to me again later" I said

"Why?" she asked.

_I hope we don't have to find out._

"Nothing, Look Bella I really have to get going. And I don't know if us hanging out is a good thing I am a terrible company" I said

Her face fell. I felt bad, but it was for the best for her, who would want to be friend with me. My father used to say that people like me were mistakes, that we shouldn't have been born, because if I was not crazy then I was worst I was inhuman. He made me understand that I'll never have a friend. And I kept my lesson in mind.

"Why don't you let me decide that?" she asked

I didn't answer.

"Why won't let me in?" she whispered brokenly.

_My heat shattered at her tone. I was bound to do everything wrong. I just couldn't seem to get one thing done correctly._

"I am sorry" I whispered as I walked away.

I know that after that she is going to give up. She had every right too. There's only so much rejection one can take before giving up.

The Jasper's accident was supposed to happen in the next period. My heart was racing, I was actually worried about him, about them. I didn't want them to get exposed.

So I waited patiently, after a few minutes in their class I saw Edward getting Jasper out of the classroom, he threw a brief glance at me. But was too focused making everyone believe his brother had a seizure.

I sigh in relief. It could've been worst...

The rest of the day passed in a blur, I was so worried about Jasper and Edward that I didn't do anything much really...I hope they're okay...

_Why do I care anyway?_

_I know a part of me wants all of them to be happy. The only difference is that that part of me wanted to be Bella's happiness. I wanted to be the reason she smiled. But I was only a reason for her sadness._

Just when I was going at my house, finally after these awful hours of being forced to be visible. I found Rosalie in front of my car. The sight was less delightful than Her sister' in the same position.

"Alice, my father would like to talk to you again" her voice was not harsh. It was emotionless

I nodded

I followed her car to their mansion. All the driving my mind only wondered about Bella, why wasn't she the one waiting for me? Why? Maybe she gave up...

_No! she can't give up on me, she can't walk away from me now that she possessed all my little remains._

_Of course she did, she realized that you weren't worth it. That you'll never be worth it. Everyone end up at this conclusion don't they. Maybe it's time to give up on yourself._

_See: you shouldn't have let her in, she's already breaking you, tearing you apart!_

_Like I had a choice ….._

I pulled in their driveway.

_Bella where are you...?_

I followed Rosalie, inside the house. I was met with Edward pulling me in a hug.

"Thank you" he whispered in my ears "Thank you so much"

It was the first time in m life that I was proud of being the freak I was.

When Edward let me go. Jasper was right after him, he didn't hug me.

"Alice I want you to know that I owe you. I have a huge debt"

I didn't get the chance to speak, that I was pulled in a hug again. It was Esmee this time.

"Thank you so much"

When she let me go. I finally took a deep breath.

"I didn't exactly do anything" I stated

"Non-sense, the Cullen's owe you" spoke Carlisle.

_Where is Bella? It's the only that floated in my mind_

"Bella is out hunting she'll be back soon" said Edward

"Okay" I said emotionless.

_Thank you!_

Again, we all sat in the living room.

"Alice, I think you noticed how we all are very grateful"

I nodded not knowing what to answer.

_I should be grateful I've been hugged more times in minutes than in a life time._

"Therefore don't feel like you have to answer this question-"

He was cut off by Bella, bursting in the house.

"Alice" she said before hugging me.

_This time I hugged back, the simple thought of her giving up on me gave me enough will, to try and be honest with her, to try and let her in. Nothing has changed since this morning except that I realized that if I'm not worth it she is._

Eventually we let go of each other.

She sat beside me and held my hand.

"So Alice" Carlisle said smiling "What I was trying to ask is how did you know it would happen?"

_I want to tell them, but I didn't want to go back to the asylum. I never want to go back there._

"Alice we'll never do that to you" said Edward "I promise"

_And I believed him_

"Well, sometimes ...Sometimes...I...I... get visions of the future"

_There it is I said it._

The room was silent

_They think I am crazy, well done Alice you can't go a week without being labeled as crazy basket case. Why did I tell them? God Alice you'll never learn how to be strong will you?_

"It's fascinating" spoke Carlisle

_What?!_

"You don't think I am crazy?"

"Well, you proved yourself today by doing what you did, and for that I am extremely grateful again. We all are"

_Maybe they are not going to send you back to an asylum. _

"Alice, no matter what happened before, I swear we have no intention of sending you back there" spoke Edward

"Back where?" asked Bella.

_Okay, you promised to let her in. And until now it's going well. But I don't think I am ready to talk about that! But what if she really gave up this time. You have to tell her._

"When I told them about my visions my parents sent me to an asylum"...

I saw Bella's expression change from curiosity to pure anger.

_Here it comes Alice hold on to your heart dearly, her wrath is coming and you deserve it after all. Making them believe you were normal while you're just a crazy …._

"How could they do that?" she said her voice filled with anger.

_WHAT! They? They did nothing wrong I am crazy not them! They did what they had to do._

"They did what they had to do?" I stated

"Don't tell me you are okay with it?" she said her anger now directed at me.

_It cuts through me, no matter what I did I disappointed her somehow. The coward part of me wanted to just get up and run, run and find somewhere I could be alone, with all my shame and die there alone like I should be._

I didn't answer her, everything I said was wrong anyway.

"I am sorry I didn't mean to snap at you" she said apologetically " it's just that you shouldn't be okay with it you are not crazy, you never were, your parents should have seen it"

"Don't talk about them" I said

_How dare she? They took care of me even if I was a mistake, they sent me there so I could get better. I know it might sound wrong, but dad used to say you need a few wrong to make things right. Sometimes when I talked about my visions he hit me so hard that I fainted, but it work I didn't get visions for a few days after that._

"Alice, it doesn't just sound wrong. It is wrong" said Edward "No one should have to face what you faced"

"Don't talk about them" I said getting up.

I started walking to the door.

"Alice, please see it, see that they were wrong, you are a good person, you deserve better"

_How could she say that?_

"You don't have the slightest idea of what I did. I deserve way worst than what happened to me; I deserve hell for what I am for what I did. So don't stand there judging people you don't know"

I felt the tears burning my eyes. I was walking to the door. When I felt strong pair of arms around me. I fought as hard as I could for her to let me go she didn't even flinch. She held me until I felt the tears escaping my eyes.

_I hate crying in public._

I heard Edward whisper something quickly. Then Bella lifted me and guided me to the first floor. I didn't even fight it I don't think I could fight anything at this point.

She laid me down in bed and kept my head buried in her chest. A part of me wanted to stay there forever.

"Hey, it's all going to be okay" she said

"Alice whatever you think you did to deserve hell, you are wrong" she said again.

_She didn't know a damn thing about what I did or what I didn't it's time to stop this masquerade._

I pulled away just enough to meet her eyes. Beautiful golden eyes on which I am going to see kindness for the last time.

"I killed my parents"...

**I know weird place to stop! **

**I hope you liked it, let me know.**

**Thank you for the reviews and all your echo :)**

**...**


	4. Chapter 4

I pulled away just enough to meet her eyes. Beautiful golden eyes on which I am going to see kindness for the last time.

"I killed my parents"...

"What?" she asked.

I was unable to reformulate my assertion.

"Alice, what ever you did I am sure there is an explanation"

What?! A valuable explanation for murder?: No such thing!

She reached to cup my cheek. I pulled away getting up from the bed. She was instantly by my side.

"Alice, please tell me what happened" she pleaded

_This couldn't be possible! Why is she talking to me? Trying to sooth me!_

_She couldn't care that much, nobody ever cared that much! Never!_

_She doesn't care, she pities you! Everyone does. I am just an orphan freak..._

"If I do tell you would you stop"

"Stop what?"

"This, this whole pretending, talking like everything was normal, stop acting like you care. I don't need pity."

_I couldn't help these words falling from my mouth. One thing hurts more than her giving up on me, is her carrying me as a burden. I have been a burden to all those I loved, I won't be anymore._

When I saw pain written all over her face, all I wanted to do was swallow back my words. Everything go back from the start.

"Alice, this is not an act, this is not pity. I care about you. I want to know what happened because I lo...care about you"

_Does she really care though? I don't know..._

_I'll tell her...And then I'll find out._

I told her everything. The visions, the dreams, the phone call. I was crying as the words were escaping my mouth. They were running out of me towards her, they were hers know. She could throw them back in my face, the point was I couldn't hide behind them anymore.

My vision is blurry. My heart is pounding.

As I tried to escape this room, to escape the truth, I was against her chest once more. Her hug was all that left me up. Without her arms how could I stand...

She was holding me even if she knew the truth. She was holding me despite the truth what was I suppose to say? What was that suppose to mean. So I just stood there, numb.

"Alice, you didn't hurt your parents, if anything you were a better to them than they were to you"

_She's lying. They kept me, they raised me even if I was an abomination, I'll never be a better person than them._

_She is lying._

"Let me go"I said pulling away from her.

_Why does it hurt so much? Why do I want to leave so badly when staying was all that my heart ached for?_

_It's because you know, you're not worth it. Look at yourself crying in the arms of a vampire you met a week ago. _

_Father would be disappointed in me. He would be right._

_Why did I bother trying anyway._

"Alice I can't let you go" she whispered

"Why?"

"Because I care too much"

"You don't nobody cares" I stated

"I do" she said meeting my gaze her eyes begging me to believe her words.

"Let me go" I said again, My own word shattered my heart.

_That' what's father would've wanted, a bit of dignity in my ocean of shame._

"Please, don't do this" she pleaded her voice cracking.

"Don't do what?" I asked tiredly.

"Shut me out again"

"I think it'll be better if we kept our distances"

Her face fell, I think she paled, as impossible as it may sound.

"No, Alice, no it wouldn't be better."

"I think you and your family, should avoid me at school"

I kept trying to ignore her oh so true words.

"Why are you doing this?"

_Why was I doing this? Because I just told you the biggest secret of my life, and I only just met you. What's next? Fall in love even deeper with you? When you'll reject me what will I do? Jump off a cliff. I can't I'll pick up my little ashes._

"I have to go"

I ran, I ran as hard as my legs could. I didn't even glance at the living room. My car was my way out.

_I panicked, she was there telling me everything will be okay, telling me I am a good person. In my entire life I've never been called a good person. Mother once told me I was the worst thing that happened to her and if she could she'll turn back time to never have me. I couldn't stand the thought of Bella telling me something like that. If she did. NO. When she'll do._

I drove fast, really fast, my house never seemed so far away.

_After that she'll never try again. _

I burst in tears, I felt my remains cry in agony. Craving for her.

_It's for the best, she would eventually have left me like anyone else._

I stopped the car in front of my house and ran in. Threw myself on my bed.

I felt like my own skin wanted to leave me.

_It is for the best, What she would've thought of me a gay freak, a murderer she'll pity. You were just her charity work of the week._

My own thoughts were against me. There was no escape. I'll never forget tonight. I'll never recover from tonight.

It was one of the worst nights of my life.

At some point I threw up from crying. From exhaustion. From the realization that I was so damaged that I'll be forever alone. That the best I'll ever inspire Is pity.

I don't want to go to school. I don't want to face them._ Could I ever face her again?_

_I've seen worst after all._

I got ready, I dressed up, my stomach was growling, I didn't eat anything last night. And I threw up a lot.

When I entered the kitchen I contemplated eating breakfast.

_I am going to throw up._

It's okay I'll eat at lunch.

Today I didn't share any course with Bella, it'll give me time to absorb the pain. I sat like a ghost through the forenoon. Lunch break was coming. I needed to eat I was on the verge of fainting.

I walked staring at my feet. I followed Sam and his friends.

We sat all together, just them and I. Same table, but different worlds.

"Alice are you okay you look pale" said Mike

"Oh no I am fine just hungry" I smiled _I deserve an Academy award!_

He came and sat next to me. Pulling us a bit away from the others.

_I'll handle one person better than six._

"So Alice, what did you do for fun so far?" he asked

_Fun, yeah I tend to practice that a lot._

"Nothing much" I said.

"Maybe I could help you out with that" he said suggestively, putting his arm around my shoulders.

The sound of a tray breaking made us all turn around. Bella was holding two halves of her tray. I couldn't see her face but I felt that she was not happy. I don't know how I felt it though.

Edward put his hand on her shoulder and made her sit down. She didn't look at me.

_Here enjoy your gift you coward!_

"Cullen's are weird" said Mike. This time he kept his hands to himself and it was good.

I didn't answer.

"Anyway, Alice what I was trying to say is that, I think you and I we get along well" _We barely talked to each other _"And I was thinking maybe you would want to go on a date with me"_ What?! _

I didn't get the chance to answer.

"Alice I need to talk to you" Bella was behind me, her voice was cold. It sent shivers in my body but not pleasant ones.

"We're having a conversation here" said Mike.

Bella glared at him. He wanted to swallow his own tongue.

"Well, you're not anymore" she said clenching her jaws.

"Okay, Alice we'll finish this later" he flashed a cocky smile at me, and winked.

Bella's grip on my hand tightened.

She dragged me out of the cafeteria, her body was rigid. I followed silently.

_Again I did something wrong I don't know what, I don't know when or why. All I knew was that I made a mistake._

She stopped, only when we were in the woods. The same place I had my break down few days ago.

I stood there silently waiting for her to talk.

She wasn't looking at me. She wasn't even facing me.

A few minutes passed. It seemed like eternity.

"What were you going to answer?" she asked

"What?" I asked, lost.

"Yes or No" she said

"To what?" I asked again

"To Mike, were you going to accept dating him or not" she turned to face me. Her golden eyes diving in my blue ones.

_Why do you care?_

"I was going to say no"

Her body relaxed.

"Why?"

"Why what?"

It seemed to get her frustrated that I was never able to follow a conversation.

"Why were you going to say no?"

"Why does it matter?"

"It does"

"Look, Bella I told you yesterday I think we should give each other space" I said breathlessly.

_I have no more tears to cry, please let me go. Don't make this even harder._

"I can't do that" she said getting closer to me "I don't want to do that, Please Alice don't ask me to do that"

"Why Bella? Don't you get it. I ..."

"You what Alice?" she asked.

"Nothing, I am gonna go"

"No" she said

I just had the time to register her gestures, that her lips were on mine, she crashed my body against a tree, pressed he body against mine. My whole being responded to the kiss. For a second, for a moment, for a time I forgot what pain meant.

When she pulled away, our foreheads touching.

"Do you see why I can't give you space Alice? Do you understand why I can't stand being away from you?"

_She likes me...She kissed me. SHE kissed ME._

_No she doesn't like you, why would she? Find one reason that makes you lovable!_

…_...I couldn't...not even one._

"Alice, please say something" she said.

I felt her breath on my lips.

_Come on Alice, one reason, one reason...Just one._

_There were none._

"I have to go" I whispered brokenly.

_You deserve better. You deserve a not damaged human being. Pathetic residue of a mistake. A failure._

She held my hand and made me look at her.

Her face was full of pain, incomprehension. I hurt her.

"I know you feel it too Alice. So tell me why do you keep fighting it?"

_Why? For all the reasons of the world!_

"Because, I won't stand there having you giving me hope, I won't handle it when you'll let me down"

"I'll never let you down, I promise Alice" she held my hand

"They all do"

"I won't"

"Of course you will, look at me, I am less of a human, I am a mistake. I am-"

"No" her voice was fierce "I won't allow anyone to trash talk you, not even yourself. You are beautiful, smart, caring, funny, soft, tender and another billion things that would make me the happiest girl in the world if you give me a chance".

"I cry myself to sleep"

"I'll hold you"

"I am damaged, I'll never be able to be normal again."

"Normal is overrated. And you're not damaged Alice, everything will be fine, you"ll be fine. We'll be fine" she said getting even closer.

"Why would you want someone as worthless as me in your life?"

"Because, without you my life is worthless, Alice I'll take things as slow as you want. Just let me be something to you, anything" she whispered her voice cracking.

_You already are everything._

"Can I be come at your place, we can work together. Or just watch a movie together?" she asked

I nodded. I don't think I'll ever know how to say no to her again.

She flashed me the most beautiful smile ever.

"I'll meet you tonight at your place"

I nodded again.

She pulled me into a hug.

_Maybe I could be happy after all, even if I didn't deserve it..._

**Walls are cracking, Bella is already in, all she need is to make Alice accept it :)**

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**THANK YOU**


	5. Chapter 5

_Maybe I could be happy after all, even if I didn't deserve it..._

Wow, I was going to spend the evening with Bella.

_Don't freak out! Don't freak out!_

I have no idea what we'll be doing, homework, movies, I can't even make her dinner...But it's gonna be great.

_Maybe she'll kiss me again!_

Bella, Bella Cullen the things you do to me.

I drove home after school, Bella said she'll go hunt before meeting me. Which I totally agreed, I have to tidy up my house. While living alone in shame you tend to let disorder get out of control.

_Oh Boy! That kiss..._

_Alice you're acting like a lovestruck teenager..._

_Yes, because that's what I am._

The thought made me smile..For once in my life I was being normal. Well, as normal as being in love head over heels with a vampire and terrified that they'll tear apart your heart, because you are a basket case. Okay not so normal.

_Don't get your hopes up Alice, maybe after spending a few hours with you she'll realize what you've been telling her all this time. You're not worth it._

Sometimes I wonder what is going on in other's people minds.. Mine only hurts me.

_Man up! Father always said complaining is for those who deserves to be heard._

When I was done cleaning my place, I didn't know if I should be proud of the result or ashamed of what was there before. Okay, now I got to get dressed. I used to love fashion, but now it feels like it was in another life. Maybe I could start again, painting and drawing, if I had more hobbies and a little bit of talent maybe I'll be worthy of love at some point. When I was a little girl way before, everything mother used to buy me paper and colors and say that I was very talented. But then again at that point she thought I was a child who deserved her as a mother.

Bella, said my parents were wrong, but they couldn't have been. Parents are supposed to love you no matter what, if mine hated me, it was my fault, who else's could it have been.

Maybe this whole thing with Bella is a mistake, maybe I should tell her that I am sick, I don't want to disappoint anymore people.

_She'll leave you Alice, you know it. She's a gorgeous Vampire and what are you!_

I felt like throwing up. What was I? Nothing.

_If only you were nothing, nothing doesn't kill, nothing is not bad. Nothing is nothing. You are worst than nothing._

I felt a tear roll down my cheek.

No, no crying tonight. No more crying in front of anyone.

_The Cullen's must see you like a desperate little girl._

Maybe they told Bella to come. Maybe Esmee told her to pretend in order to see if you were able to live alone...So they can call social services.

_Or, maybe she really likes me._

_If you think that, it means you really belong with the mad people._

I ran toward the bathroom, I washed my face. Cold water washed away a bit of the worry.

**door bell**

I took a look at myself in the mirror.

_Disgusting, ugly, little demon! Those are father's words, do you really think hers will be different._

I walked to the door. Everything is going to be alright. I kept telling myself. I hope.

I opened the door,she was here, standing. Her beauty will shadow models, goddesses.

"Hello Alice" she said flashing one of her smiles. The ones after which I feel wound-less.

"Hi"

"Are you going to let me in?" she laughed, but I felt she was scared I changed my mind.

"Yes, yes sorry" I said giving her access to the house.

"Here I brought you this. Esmee made it for you" she smiled handing me a box of food.

"Thank you" I said, honestly grateful.

_My own mother never had such a gesture for me when I was in that hospital._

_Then again she knew me...She knew I wasn't worth it._

"I wanted to bring you flowers, but I thought it was too old-fashioned. Then I wanted to call you to know if there was anything you wanted, but I realized I didn't have your phone number. And I didn't want to …. I am talking too much aren't I?" she smiled sheepishly at me.

_I think I fell a little bit more in love with her. Just what I needed. I am not deep enough now am I?_

"How are you?" I asked

"Fine, Great actually. You?" she said

"Good, what do you want to do?" I asked.

_Follow the normal conversation, that's it, avoid any subject, any other deep talk._

"Whatever you want. I grabbed some DVDs from home if you want to watch them" she asked

"Oh, yeah let me just check if I have a DVD player." I said going to the living room.

I heard her follow me.

"You don't know if you own a DVD player in your own house?" she asked

_Three minutes...three minutes before you show that you'll never be normal._

I felt an intense blush color my pale face.

"Erm, yes ...It's just that, well I don't own DVDs and I am not that found of Tv. " I tried to explain. "But I do own one. I think. Is this what it looks like" I said pointing at the device.

She walked toward me.

"Yes it is. Why don't you go get your dinner on a plate while I handle this" she smiled pointing at the cables.

I nodded.

_Alice resist the urge. Her lips. I want to kiss her. I want to kiss her now._

I settled what Esmee sent me. It's going to be the first healthy food I had in … well in a long time. Wait I should thank her by sending her something back. But I don't have anything to send, maybe I should cook something for her.

_Really Alice! Cook something!_

_Okay, right no cooking but then what?_

I heard someone chuckle behind me. I jumped.

"Sorry I didn't mean to scare you" she came putting her hand on my shoulder.

"It's okay" I whispered

Her touch, on my shoulder. Her cold hand on my needing body was all I could focus on.

"What were you thinking so hard about?' she smiled.

"What should I sent your mother back"

"What do you mean?" she asked

"Well, she sent me food" I stated

She chuckled.

"You want to know what she would really love?" she asked.

"Yes"

"Note where you tell her what you felt while eating it. She's been training on making food forever without having anyone who could taste it" she smiled.

"A note is not enough"

She smiled at me. And got even closer.

"Alice, You saved her child, you kept our secret and protected our family. What do you think we feel when all we do is bring you food"

I don't like that they are grateful. They shouldn't be.

"A not it is then" I said

She lifted my plate from the table and grabbed my hand to guide me to the living room.

"I didn't know what kind of movie you liked so I grabbed a few. Your choice" she said pointing at a pile of DVDs

"A few" I smiled

"Okay maybe not a few" she smiled

_What if I choose and it end up sucking..._

"I don't know. Can't we pick one randomly."

"We can. Okay turn around a give me a number from 1 to 12"

"Oh, hum 7" I said

"Cool, it's TOP Secret" she said " it's a comedy from the eighties"

"Oh okay"

We sat on the couch at a reasonable distance. She put the movie in. Her smell was intoxicating I wanted to taste it.

_Yes hormones are kicking in._

As the movie started, she immediately paused it.

"What's wrong?" I asked

She seemed to pounder whether she should tell me or not.

"Come on Bella, tell me" I said

"Can you eat first and then watch the movie?" she asked

"Is the smell bothering you?"

"No, it's just...Erm I'd like it a lot if I could hold you during the movie" she said quickly

I blushed.

_I'd like it a lot if you could hold me too._

I nodded. There weren't any words that deserved this moment anyway.

Esmee's food was the best thing I ever ate. And I mean ever.

"Wow" I said

"You like it" she smiled

"I love it"

I ate it all, I don't think I ate that much since I moved in Forks. Even before.

Suddenly I got up from the couch.

"Where are you going?" she asked

"Grab a paper to write a note" I answered.

I came back on the couch.

"What should I write?" I asked

"I don't know. What you felt when you ate it"

_Thank you Esmee._

_Your food was delicious. It was one of the best meals I've ever had._

_Alice_

"Is that enough?" I asked "I am not good with words" I said looking at my paper

I felt her hand on my low back.

"Alice, she is going to be delighted"

"I still think I should offer her something. What does she like?" I asked

"Alice, come in my arms" she whispered in my ears making me shiver "And let's watch that movie"

I did as I was told. She put me on her lap.

"Aren't you going to be uncomfortable?" I asked.

"Nope" she smiled

"Is It a vamper thing?"

"No it's an _I can't be uncomfortable while you're in my arms_ thing"

I blushed again.

She wrapped her arms around my waist, while I rested my head on her shoulder.

"Are you comfy?"she asked

I nodded.

"okay, let's go"

_This movie is amazing, my ribs are hurting from all the laughing I did._

I love her, I love how she makes me feel. I love everything about her.

"I take it you liked the movie" she said her nose in my hair

I nodded.

"It's already late. I don't want to go nut I think I should let you sleep. Tomorrow is a school day" she said

She put me at her side and started getting up.

"Wait" I said "Maybe you could stay. I mean you could spend the night " I said proud of my sudden confidence.

"Alice, you don't have to"

"I know. We can just sleep together. I mean next to each other" I said blushing deeply.

"Yes, I want to sleep with you, erm next to you" she smiled and I blushed a little more.

"You are cute when you blush" she smiled

"Thank You"

"Alice?"

"Yes?"

"Does this mean you are going to let me in?"

"Erm. It means I want to. But I don't know how to but I want to be your …..friend Bella"

_Coward you want to be more than her friend, you want to be her love, her lover... But I know she deserves better. I know better than to make her date me._

_I am too damaged to be fixed. And too broken to make her fix me._

"Friend" I heard her whisper "I'll take what I can get"

"I am sorry I didn't get that" I said

"Nothing" she smiled "So where do you sleep?"

"In my room, it's a big bed you can sleep there, or I can fix you the guest room"

"No, I want to be next to you" she said

"Well , you might want to check if you'll be comfortable enough to sleep first" I smiled

"Vampires don't sleep" she said

"Never"

"Nope, never"

"It must be hard" I stated

_Sleeping is the only moment I am not disgusted with myself._

"Why?" she asked

"I don't know I just assumed" I said

"It's not that hard" she smiled

"But, if you don't sleep, what are you going to do the whole night. You know Bella you don't have to stay I mean I'm pretty sure you have better things to do anyway-"

"Alice" she cut me "guide us to your room" she smiled

I did.

I got ready for bed, when I entered my room she was already lying in my bed, wearing the clothes I landed her.

I laid next to her putting some distance between our bodies.

She came closer to me, and held me in her arms.

"Are you comfortable?" she asked

I nodded.

I never fell asleep that fast. I never enjoyed falling asleep that much. I can get used to that. I can get used to her.

I woke up in her arms.

"Hello sleepy head" she said kissing my forehead

"Good morning" I mumbled

"Did you sleep well"

I nodded.

"Can I drive you to school today?" she asked

I nodded.

"Okay, so I'm going to get dressed I'll be back in an hour. We'll take your car"

I smiled and nodded.

I put my head on the pillow. I slept so good. I don't want to get out of bed.

I felt her lips on my forehead again

"Don't fall back asleep" she laughed.

Getting dressed to get to school, was a morning routine. I've never put much thought in it. Especially because most nights I didn't sleep and can barely formulate any coherent thought, but today is different.

I even had breakfast while waiting for Bella. Like real Breakfast. Not really real, because I didn't have anything in the fridge except orange juice. But it still is more than what I usually have.

Bella was on time.

"Here I brought you croissants" handing me a little bag

"Thank you" I said giving her my car keys "you didn't have to"

"I wanted to, Esmee was ecstatic that you loved her food. Don't be surprised If she sends you food every day now" she laughed

_I won't mind_

"It's nice of her" I said

The drive was quiet, I was too busy eating. I think sleeping makes me starve.

"It's good to see you eat" she smiled

I laughed "You make it sound like I never do"

She smiled

"I love to hear you laugh. And no you don't eat often, even at lunch" she said

"Okay, true" I conceded

"So what are your classes today?"

"English, maths, Spanish, and biology"

"Oh, so I'll just see you in biology" she said sad

"You'll see me there." I smiled

"and we can have lunch together" she said.

"Yeah that is if Sam and his friends don't drag me with them" I smiled

"yeah" she whispered sadly.

"Hey, but I still can escape right" I said trying to make her feel better.

It worked. She smiled.

"Yes you can. Or I can come and save you" she smiled

"You can do that to" I laughed.

As soon as she parked the car, I noticed Mike in the parking. Seemingly waiting for someone.

"I think you have a fan waiting for you" she said bitterly

"What?" I asked

"Mike is waiting for you"

"Oh"

"What does Oh mean?" she asked

"What?"

"You never can follow a conversation, can you?" she said smiling even if I could hear frustration in her voice.

My face fell. _I can't it's true. I never could. Father used to get angry at me all the time for it._

"Hey, it's okay. I didn't mean to hurt you" she said guilt written on her face

"No, it's okay. You're right I should work on it" I said "Maybe we should head to class"

Now to the guilt on her face was added sadness in her eyes.

"Yes I guess we should"

As soon as I set a foot out of the car. I see Mike walking towards me.

"Alice, I was waiting for you" he said

I heard a growl escape Bella's throat.

"Erm Hey Mike" I said

"I am sorry to interrupt, but Alice I really need this book for class" she said

_What book? What is she talking about?..._

_She's giving you a way out! You idiot!_

"Oh yeah. Sorry Mike, I'll catch up with you later, okay?" I said

"Yeah. It's fine we share almost all our classes anyway" he said that looking at Bella.

Another growl escaped her throat, a scary one. She glared at him and I thought I might be a good time to take her away from him.

"Let's go Bella"

She walked next to me silently. When we were far enough from the parking.

"Do you like him?" she asked

"Who? Erm Sorry, you must be talking about Mike. Erm yes Mike is cool but I don't like him, like him, like really like him. It's just that he's nice" I said

"Do you like him more than you like me?"

"I don't think I liked anyone more than I like you in my entire life" I said honestly

_I love you._

"Okay, can't you set him straight. I hate to see him hit on you" she said

"I will" _I'd do anything for you. To make you feel better._

"Alice?"

"Yes?"

"I am sorry for earlier. It's okay that you can't follow a conversation"

"No, it's not. Father used to tell me the same thing. I guess I have to work on it"

She looked like I stabbed her. No. Like I stabbed her multiple times.

"Bella are you okay?"

"No, can you walk with me"

Again I followed her outside school. Man I was going to be late, but I couldn't care less.

"Bella, please what's wrong? You're worrying me"

"Alice, you said I treated you like your father!" she said a dry sob escaping her lips.

"No, I just said you shared the same view on my attention deficiency" I said trying to make her feel better.

"Exactly, you think I think you have a deficiency. I don't Alice I was just angry at Mike"

_What?!_

"I was pissed that he was waiting for you. I can't believe I acted like you father" she said the last part more to herself

"You didn't Bella" I said

It didn't seem to do the trick.

_Alice tell her the truth. Tell her that she's nothing like him. _

_I can't do that she doesn't have to know._

_Look at her, she must feel awful._

"Bella, you didn't treat me like him, father didn't just say it, nor did he apologize afterwards" I stated

"What do you mean he didn't just say it?"

_Oh you know a punch, a slap, sometimes he'll use the belt it depended on his mood._

She seemed to get the unsaid.

"Alice did he—did they ever- hit you?" the words struggled to get out of her mouth as of she was fighting them.

I only nodded to ashamed to speak.

This time the growl that escaped her throat was threatening. I never want to hear it again.

"How dare they?" she said her fist clenched "How dare they-"

"Bella, it's okay, most of the time I deserved it" I said trying to make this whole thing okay.

"What? No you didn't. No one, not a single person in this earth dead or alive is allowed to hit my mate not even her parents" she said angrily.

"Your mate?" I asked...

**Here is for today.**

**As always I love your reviews. **

**I am going to try and speed up things between them. But I can't help but want to use Mike a bit more.**

**Do you guys want me to switch POVs on future chapters or not?**

**Thank you.**


	6. Chapter 6

"_What? No you didn't. No one, not a single person in this earth dead or alive is allowed to hit my mate not even her parents" she said angrily._

_"Your mate?" I asked..._

Her eyes widened in fear. I don't want her to be scared to tell me anything.

"Bella?"

"It's...nothing, forget it" she said quickly.

"Bella, you just called me your mate"

"I did"

"What does it mean?" I asked

"It means... Alice, I don't think you are ready to hear what it means"

_See, she doesn't trust you enough. While you tell her you life secrets, she doesn't share things with you._

_Do you need another proof that she doesn't love you._

"We're going to be late for class" I said.

"Alice-" she tried, but I was already walking to school.

She didn't try to stop me... It hurts.

_Why are you so surprised? Why would she trust you?_

_I trust her_

_You're stupid._

I was late for my class...Who cares what can they do anyway?

_Bella Cullen, why? Everything was so great..._

As my first period ended. I found Mike waiting for me at the door. He was quite persistent. What did he saw in me?

"Hey Alice"

"Mike"

"I am glad I can talk to you without interruptions"

I nodded.

"So, Alice how is your day going so far?" he asked

_Awful, I miss her...I miss her._

"Fine, how is yours?"

"Better now" he flashed me a cocky smile.

I didn't answer. I walked faster to my next class.

_Bella told you to set him straight! Do it!_

As I was going to speak, he put his hands on my waist.

"Alice I have to go, see you at lunch" he said and kissed my cheek.

He left before I could react.

_Maybe I overreacted, maybe she just wanted to keep a secret. It hurts but it's her right. I mean I should understand that people wants to keep secrets. But I told her everything, I told her more than I've ever told anyone. On the other side I can understand why I'll always love her more that she loves me. The simple fact that she did want to be with me at some point was already unrealistic. Great Alice, now I messed up, I acted like an overly attached, needy person. Maybe she's going to stop talking to me. But come on she called me her mate. I must have the slightest right to know what it means?_

All this thinking gave me a headache. Maybe I should just skip school and go home, it seems like an awful day anyway.

I can't just skip every time something goes wrong.

Yeah but I can go to the nurse and pretend to be sick.

_You don't really have to pretend. You lived in hospital, you are sick!_

Sometimes I wish I could just stop thinking.

No nurse, just class.

Lunch break came fast. _Will she come save me like she promised, or not? Maybe I'll never be saved. I didn't deserve to be saved after all._

Maybe I shouldn't eat at the cafeteria. Since I had croissants this morning I wasn't hungry. So I went to my favorite spot, the spot of breaking down, the spot where She kissed me.

_The spot where she made me understand what a true feeling feels like._

I sat under a tree, the same tree my back collided with when _my love_ claimed my lips for the first time.

"Do you always come here when you feel down?"

I heard a voice behind me.

"Jasper, hey what are you doing here?"

"I wanted to see if you were alright"

"It's nice of you"

He came and sat next to me.

"What is bothering you?" he asked.

Since he was there, I was feeling calm, less tensed.

"How come every time you are near I feel calm?" I asked

_Not peaceful and Complete like when I am with your sister, but still better than usual._

"It's my gift, Edward read minds. I am an empath and I can send waves of emotions" he said

"Thank you" I said

_For taking a bit of the tension away._

"Alice, I owe you so much more than that. Last time I didn't get the chance to really talk to you. But I must say that of all the things I am grateful for and people am beholden to you're on my personal top three"

I smiled.

"I didn't do anything"

"Bella is a very lucky person" he stated

"Why do you say that?" I asked

He chuckled.

"My dear sister is coming. I think it's her story to tell not mine" He got up "It was nice talking to you Alice"

"Yes, you too Jasper"

No sooner had he left, that Bella was facing me.

"I am so sorry Alice" she said getting close to me.

"It's fine-"

"No, it's not. I am sorry for snapping at you, I am sorry for shutting you out this morning I had no right. You let me in I was stupid not to do the same"

"It's okay, you don't have to tell me" I said

"Alice I want to tell you, but I am scared"

"Of what?" I asked

"That you'll run away. That you'll shut me out again. That you ...I don't know I want you to be happy and I promised things will go slow-"

"Bella, just tell me. I promise I'll try my best to be good"

She smiled.

"Alice you are my mate" she said

"What does it mean?"

"Of all the abilities vampires have, they can recognize their soul mate, the person they're meant to spend their lives with. Alice for me, you are that person" she said.

_One soul mates existed_

_Two: I had one_

_Three : My soul mate is the most incredible, appealing interesting person I've ever met._

"Alice, I know it's big for you to handle, and I know you must hate my kind for what happened to your parents, and after this morning you must hate me too-"

"No, I don't hate you Bella, I could never hate you" I said. "Is that why you kissed me yesterday?"

"Yes, Alice I kissed you, because it kills me to see him hit on you. Because I want to be the only one." she said getting even closer to me.

_If I was her I'd be angry at the universe, I am the worst mate ever. She could get anyone she want but the universe threw me at her. It's like a bad joke._

"What are you thinking?" she asked.

"Aren't you mad?" I asked

"At what?, for what?" she whispered

"That I am your mate?"

"Why would I be mad?"

"I don't know you could have anyone else"

"I don't want anyone else" she said " Alice, I wish you could look at yourself through my eyes, or through anyone else's eyes, My family worships you, even Rosalie since you saved Jasper, she's been saying that you were a cool human. Which in Rose's mouth is a love declaration. Emmett has been choosing nicknames for you, and Carlisle and Esmee love you. Look at the people around you Mike can' even take his eyes off of you" she said the last part through clenched teeth.

"But what if I am not good enough?"

"You already are"

"What if I'll never be what you expect to be?"

"You already are"

"What if-"

"Alice, please let me kiss you" she whispered her breath on my lips.

I only nodded.

Her lips were on mine again. But this time it was so soft, I melted, it was like the world around me wasn't necessary anymore, that only the sweet dance of our tongues held our souls together. I know at this exact moment that a life without her isn't worth living. She smiled in the kiss.

"Does this mean that you're not freaking out?" she asked

"I don't know."

"Can you just talk to me?" she asked softly

"Bella, I'll never be okay. There will always be something off about me. You can't love someone who hates herself as much as I do. I don't want to end up causing both of us pain"

"I'll teach you" she smiled

"What will you teach me?"

"How to love yourself?"

"How are you going to do?"

"Because nobody loves Alice Brandon like I do. Are you willing to give me a chance?"

I nodded.

"Yes, I want to" I smiled

_I am willing to do anything you want me to do._

**Here is for today chapter.**

**Next chapter might be Bella's POV...**

**Thank you :)**


	7. Chapter 7

"Because_ nobody loves Alice Brandon like I do. Are you willing to give me a chance?"_

_I nodded._

_"Yes, I want to" I smiled_

_I am willing to do anything you want me to do._

"Alice, you have no idea how happy you just made me" she smiled

_Wait until you see all of me, I know that you'll regret having me as your mate._

I nodded. I didn't want to debate again about it, she'll make me feel wanted and I know that it won't last and it kills me.

"Would you...I mean would it be okay...hum...If I took you on a date?"

_A date I've never been on a date. I am going to suck at it. What should I do? What should I wear? I mean it has to be perfect I want her to want me._

"Can you tell me what you're thinking about?" she whispered

I still felt her breath on my lips.

"I've never been on a date before" I whispered blushing.

"Well, miss Brandon, all you have to do is be your perfect self" she said kissing my cheek.

I nodded.

"Is that a yes?"

I nodded again.

"Great, I'll pick you up at seven" she said. "We should head back to class I don't want you to be late" she said pulling away

"Bella?"

"Yes" she said softly

"Can you-Can you kiss me again?" I asked quickly

She knotted our bodies and crashed her lips against mines. Will I ever survive when she'll stop kissing me.

She pulled away I was breathless, but who needed oxygen anyway.

We ran to class, we were both a bit late, but since we were in different classes nobody will know we were together.

_Should I tell people we were together, maybe she wants to keep it secret, she surely wants to keep it a secret she only kissed me outside of school. She's probably ashamed of me. I mean if you see her, and you see me, I'll be ashamed to be with me, I am ashamed of myself of course she'll be ashamed of you._

I spend the entire morning thinking about it and I came to the only natural conclusion, this whole thing should be a secret, plus Bella wouldn't want to attract the attention on her since she's a vampire and all. A secret. I was good with secrets.

Lunch break came quickly, I was still debating where I should seat, with Sam, Mike, Jessica and the others, or with the Cullen's and Bella, _My sweet Bella, _would she want me next to her? In the car she said we should have lunch together...Yeah but she said she'll come and save me, meaning I should sit with them, until she comes for me, if she comes for me.

I was walking towards Sam's table...

"Hello Alice"

"Hi, Mike"

"I was thinking that you and I should sit together, you know just you and me" he said

_Set him straight, how do I do that?_

"Erm, I think we should sit with the others" I said hoping it was enough.

"Yes, okay, it's just that I want to talk to you about something" he said

"What thing?"

"Well I was wondering if you have a boyfriend waiting in Mississippi?" he asked quickly.

At the same moment I saw Bella and her family entering the Cafeteria. She flashed a smile at me but it quickly faded when she noticed who I was walking with. I wanted to send him away.

"No, I don't have a boyfriend waiting for me in Mississippi" I answered and walked quickly to Sam's table hoping he would give me some space.

He didn't.

"How come?" he asked

"How come what?" I said.

_Bella is going to be so mad at you for not sending him away. Come on Alice can't you do things right at least one day!_

"How come you don't have a boyfriend, you're too pretty to be single" he smiled at me.

_Come on Alice send him away._

"I don't have one, because I don't want one" I said hoping he will get my point.

"Maybe, you didn't meet the good guy back then"

I didn't answer.

"But, I'm pretty sure you found the right person, here in Forks"

_He can't know about Bella, it's impossible._

"What do you mean?" I asked

"Well, I am here, aren't I" he smiled at me.

"Oh, listen Mike I am not really ...I mean I ….What I am trying to say is that I like you-"

"I like you too"

"Yeah, I mean I don't think I like you like you like me" I said

"Come on Alice, give it a try, Mike is a great guy" said Jessica.

"Unless you're already with someone?" asked Sam

All the eyes at the table were focused on me. I hated it. Why couldn't he leave me alone?

"Are you?" asked Mike.

_Was I? I couldn't tell them about Bella, but I couldn't say that I was with no one either._

"Well, I like someone" _I love someone._

"Oh" said Mike

"Sorry" I said

"Don't need to apologize" he smiled at me.

"Do we know him?" asked Angela.

_I hate lying. I hate the attention. I should just get up and leave. Or give them a simple "no" that was good just say "no"._

"No" I said blankly.

They seem to pick on my uneasiness and dropped the subject. Mike on the other hand came closer to me. And leaned in to whisper in my ear.

"Since nothing is done I still have y chances, I am not giving up"

He smiled at me, and got back to the rest of the conversation.

_What the hell was that suppose to mean? He's not giving up. Maybe I should write it down for him. I am in love with someone else that also happened to be a girl. Or maybe I shouldn't._

"Hi, Alice" I heard behind me.

"Bella"

"Would you like to join us for lunch?" she asked

Angela patted my back, she wanted me to say yes?

I nodded.

_No way I was going to deny that._

"H Alice" said Jasper

"Hey, pocket sized human being" laughed Emmett

They all greeted me, but all I could focus on was Bella's hand on my lower back she guided me to a chair next to her.

I sat down. But missed her hand.

My heart was beating fast, I felt like I couldn't just pretend not to be here like with Sam and his friends. Here I actually had to exist at the same time and place they did.

_Yeah that's normal thinking, you're not crazy at all._

"So, a date tonight, right?" said Emmett

the water I was drinking went the wrong way, and I started coughing. I was not good with this whole conversation thing.

Bella started rubbing my back, while Emmett and Edward were laughing.

"Emmett" growled Bella.

"Hey, what, it was a simple question" he laughed.

"Excuse him Alice, my husband has no tact" said Rosalie.

"It's okay" I said when the coughing stopped.

_It is weird I'm not used to family lunches, usually I just sit, eat, leave._

"Alice, what do you prefer peanut butter or marshmallows?" asked Jasper

"I'm sorry what?" I asked

"Bella and I have been debating about that subject for years now, and well your opinion will decide the winner"

"I have no idea, I haven't had both of them in years" I stated honestly

"Well you know what your task will be" said Jasper

"You want me to decide between both" I asked

"Yes"

I nodded.

"Alice, what's your favorite song" asked Edward

"Tightrope by RON POPE" I answered straight away

"I don't know it, why do you like it?"

"I don't think people should explain why they love music" I stated

"Why?" asked Edward

"Because you put imperfect words on emotions that music gives you perfectly" I stated

"Bella, she's the one" winked Edward.

I blushed. She rubbed my back slowly...

When lunch was over, Bella walked me to class.

"Alice, I won't be here this afternoon, but I'll pick you up tonight okay?" she said

I nodded

"Alice?"

"Hum?"

"If any boy or girl gets close to you, can you tell them that you already have someone" she said shyly

I blushed.

_There won't be anyone, Mike was just...i don't know, but surely boys know better than to hot on me!_

I nodded though anything to make her feel better.

She pulled me in her arms.

"I am so happy I'll get to be with you tonight" she said in my neck

"Me too" I said honestly...

Tonight I am dating the girl I was in love with. Me Alice Brandon...Maybe life is worth living after all

**Not really inspired for this chapter, but still next chapter we'll have the first date, but i have no idea of what to do at all.**

**Anyway thanks for reading.**

**:)**


	8. Chapter 8

_Tonight I am dating the girl I was in love with. Me Alice Brandon...Maybe life is worth living after all ._

The afternoon without Bella was long, very long, too long. But I handled, truth is I spent most of my day with Jasper. He was really nice, we didn't have to talk, he was a very silent person, and I liked it. I was really getting along with the Cullen's clan, but I didn't know what to think about it. Sometimes I'll think that it's just because Bella asks them to be cool with me, sometimes I think it's just because they feel grateful...Other times I find myself hoping that it's just because they like me, but I quickly erase that thought.

I was so tensed about that date, that my tummy ached all the afternoon, and my heart pounded like crazy every time I thought about it. Bella said all I had to do was be myself, but myself is not enough, myself has never been enough.

_Maybe tonight she'll realize that even you were her soul mate she'd rather be with someone normal, or maybe it's just a mistake, maybe she thinks you are her soul mate but you're not._

I was sitting on my car pondering maybe I should just leave, I mean she'll be mad at me, but she'll realize it was for the best. And I could go somewhere else when nobody knew me. But I can't do that, I can't afford to do that. For starters I don't have the money, and it'll always end up by e disappointing people.

Or I can try and make things right, I could make things work with her, I can try to be better person for her.

_You couldn't be a better person even if your life depended on it? You couldn't be when your life depend it on it... But I can try... "In life you either do or don't do there is no such thing as try" … I'll fail anyway._

_Alice Brandon whatever happens deal with it!_

Bella is going to pick me up in two hours. Just the time to shower get dressed.

Shower: easy

Get dressed: Not so much...

I stood up in front of my wardrobe, well I wouldn't call it a wardrobe, firstly because everything is still in the suitcase. What should I wear a dress? If I wear a dress it has to be long enough to cover the scars...God why everything has to be so complicated? Should I show her my scars? Even if I don't and well we'll get physical at some point she'll see them...

_Wishful thinking! You really think you'll last until that point. Truth is there is probably not going to be a second date._

_But if there is and we get physical I don't want her to despise me at a moment when all I'll feel is desire, she'll probably be disgusted by them anyway and throw you out._

_On the other hand if I tell her like that out of the blue she'll think I want her to pity me and will probably pity me...I don't want her to pity me...Or she'll get angry..._

_Okay cover your scars today, like any other day and If second date there is we'll extemporize..._

I wore a simple blue dress that goes all the way to my knees covering my scars, and a white scarf. I took a look at myself.

I didn't look good.

_What did you expect you're not going to be desirable just because she wants you! _

_But I couldn't do better and I was running out of time.._

_I was about to finish brushing my teeth when I heard the doorbell._

I opened the door to be faced with the most beautiful sight my eyes ever met, Bella was beyond perfect she was perfection, at least to me she was. We stood there silent for a moment.

"Alice you look...erm...You look stunning" she whispered.

"You too" I stuttered.

She took my hand in hers.

"Ready" she asked.

_As ready as I could be._

I nodded.

She guided me to her car, opened the door for me.

"Thank you" I whispered.

She smiled at me.

I wasn't even fully sat, that she was already on the driver seat.

"Where are we going?" I asked as softly as I could

"I want to surprise if that's okay?" she asked unsure.

I nodded.

I often did that, nod instead of voicing my answer.

"Alice I wanted to tell you how happy I am that you agreed to come tonight" she smiled

_I should be the one thanking her for spending me time with me. I mean she's awesome and I am..._

I nodded not knowing what to say.

She turned on the radio, and tightrope filled the silence.

_She was so thoughtful, perfect._

I love that she remembered and I love this song it's magical.

"Does it make you think of someone?" she asked.

"It's not much about what it reminds me, more about the way it makes me feel" I stated.

She nodded.

_She thinks you're crazy, couldn't you just answer._

"You think I am crazy?" I asked

"No, of course not, Edward says that music talks to a part of ourselves we don't need to understand. And I am starting to think he's right" she smiled

"Why just starting?" I asked

"Because, this afternoon when I left school, I immediately bought this song to listen to it, I wanted to know it, since it was your favorite" she said "and just knowing that this song meant something to you, I felt that I discovered a new part of me and all I wanted to do was feel it" she said

"Thank you for sharing it with me" I said.

My favorite song , with my favorite person on earth... Nothing more was needed.

At some point she pulled in the parking of a what looked like a manor.

"What is this?" I asked curious.

"It's Esmee's and Carlisle private place" she smiled "Being in a house full of vampires don't leave much room for intimacy, so when we want to be alone we just come here"

She got out of the car and opened the door for me.

"Originally I wanted to take you out, but I remembered that you didn't like crowd and truth been told neither do I, I figured we'll be better here."

I smiled.

"Wherever you'd take me would be perfect" I stated honestly.

_Here it is Alice slowly opening up, step by step._

She wrapped her arms around me.

"When you say things like that, I swear my heart beats" she said in my hair.

I blushed. My love, my mate, my everything.

_Oh how I wish I could be worthy of you!_

"Come on I've got everything ready" she said holding my hand and guiding me inside the manor.

It was so beautiful, warm and inviting, it screamed intimacy. Esmee was really good at turning houses into homes.

"Close your eyes and trust me" she said.

I trust you with my life. I close my eyes and let her guide me. She put both her hands on my waist and slowly made me walk towards her target destination.

"You can open them now" she said.

I was faced with a fireplace, and a blanket with food on it, the whole room was only lighted by candles. I felt like my life was suddenly a romantic movie, and I couldn't wait for the movie to start.

"Esmee insisted that she handle the food for our first date" she went to turn on the music "and Edward handled the music" she smiled. "Do you like it?"

I did something that was against all my natural instincts, I acted. I joined her and sealed our lips. I will forever doubt that I am the right person for Bella but I'll never doubt her again.

I put all the words I couldn't formulate in that kiss. I heard once that if you lack of love, you lack of words and I did lack of words but when I kiss her like that, and I feel her responding, when I feel her hand on my ribs, her cheek under my hand, her lips trying to right all my wrongs I can't possibly lack of love anymore.

"Is that a yes?" she asked

"A yes to what?" I said not really back from the kiss.

She laughed. "Yes you like it?"

"I love it" _But not even close to how I love you._

"Good" she said making me sit on her lap on the blanket.

"Are you comfortable?" I asked.

"Alice as long as we are close I am the definition of comfort" she smiled. "Now eat, I was told to make sure you ate before It was cold"

I started eating, Esmee's food was heavenly, but eating on Bella's lap, that could make any food taste great and any great restaurants ashamed of their chairs.

"Bella?"

"Yes?"

"If I don't like peanut butter you'll like me anyway?" I asked

She gently kissed my neck.

"Yes, and even more than like you"

Her kisses were addictive. When I left the hospital the nurses told me that I had too many chances to fall into drugs and alcohol, but who needed drugs and Alcohol when you had Bella Cullen kissing you.

_But It's only going to last—- shut up! It is happening now and that's all that matters._

"Where did you go?" she asked softly.

"Nowhere, for once in my life I am where I want to be' I stated.

Suddenly she was on top of me. She kissed my lips so tenderly it made me want to be a moment.

The music changed, It was slow and soft, she pulled me on my feet.

"May I have this dance?" she asked

"I don't know how to dance" I stated and blushed ashamed of my ignorance.

She got her lips close to my ear.

"Alice you are grace itself, trust me you know how to dance" she said.

And just like that there wasn't anything in the world I could deny her. She closed the distance between our bodies.

"Just follow me" she said

I couldn't help my lips letting out "Anywhere".

She pulled our bodies even closer. I felt shivers running through me. And finally experienced what other people called butterflies in the stomach.

The way her body reflected the music was mesmerizing. Mine was only following like a firefly attracted by light all I wanted to do was get close enough so I can experience the beauty I was seeing.

I buried my head in the crook of her neck. I inhaled deeply, her scent was so appealing. No matter what life has, or, will put in my way, just because I got to live such a moment with her I was a lucky person. No matter what files says, or what history will remember. Alice Brandon is a lucky person.

When the music stopped, she pulled away and again her gaze immersed in mine.

"You're a wonderful dancer" I stated.

"Nobody can be a bad dancer, if it's you they're dancing with" she smiled

I blush, I clearly had blushing issues when I was with her.

"Do you want to know what's the second part of the date is?"

I nodded.

"Well, follow me" she said, but then stopped "no better" she lifted me up. "Are you good?" She asked.

I nodded again.

She took me to the first floor before putting me on my feet again.

"Our second part is on the first floor" I asked a bit nervous.

"Not exactly, but you might want to wear a jacket" she smiled, she disappeared into once of the rooms and came back with a leather jacked. She handed it to me, it was a bit too big for me. But then again everything was too big for me to wear most of the time.

She chuckled. Even I smiled.

"You are making fun of me" I smiled.

"No, you're just the cutest sight I was ever faced with" she smiled.

Once again she closed the distance between us to claim my lips. I gladly gave in.

"Why do I have to wear a jacket again?" I smiled.

"I love it when you smile, you make the world brighter" she said caressing my cheek "And you have to wear a jacket because we're going to have to leave the house" she smiled.

She guided to another room, more exactly to a window in another room.

"Do you trust me?"

I nodded _With my life!_

"Good" she wrapped her arms around me "You might want to hold on tight" she said

I did as I was told, buried my face in her neck and hold on to her body as hard as I could.

She lifted my legs and wrapped them against her waist.

_I could spend the rest of my life like that._

"Hold on to me, okay?" she asked

_Like I'd hold on to my dear life...Actually more than I'll hold on to my dear life._

I only nodded.

She flew out of the window, well jumped, but from where I was standing she flew. She ran for a few minutes, it was so fast I had tingles on my tummy. Eventually she stopped running and started climbing a tree.

"It's okay Alice, you can let go" she whispered, I got my face out to see my surroundings.

We were on the top of a tree, she still held the rest of my body glued to her.

"I wanted to bring you here to tell you something"

I nodded.

"I became a vampire, a century ago, changed by Carlisle. At that time the family already had all its members, and they all had their mates. So all this time I would dream that one day I'll find mine too. We go around the world to not get people to notice us, but wherever I was, I thought about my mate" she met my eyes "I thought about what she would be like, what she'd look like. What she'll make me feel like? But you are better than any expectation. Alice you are way better than all I was waiting for. I guess I am telling you this to make you understand that wherever you were, I wish I could've been with you. I wish you were wound less, not because wounds makes you a less good mate, but because I wish I could've offered you a shelter"

I didn't say anything.

"And I know I shouldn't say that on the first date" she smiled "But I can't stand the idea that you don't love yourself, or that you think less of yourself because you are my world, you are what made me hold on for a century. You are what held me together when I had no other reason to hold on."

_What could I answer that? Were there even answers? _

"I love you" I said. Those were the only words that our world needed for now.

"Do you mean it?" she asked unsure

"I love you" I said again

She crashed her lips against mine, her kiss was not like any of those we shared. In this one we both let go completely, she wasn't scared I'd run and I wasn't scared that this was all a bad joke from the universe.

"I've never loved anyone else but you" she stated against my lips.

"Alice?"

"Hum?"

"tell me that you love me again please" she whispered her voice cracking "It's the only words I've ever craved for"

"I love you, I love you Bella Cullen, even I thought my heart could never bare love again" I said truthfully "I love you"

Again she claimed my lips and I understood what Love meant. I understood why the world threw at me what he threw at me.

"Bella?"

"Yes, my love"

"I am sure I am still going to mess up again, tell me that you won't give up on me" I asked letting all my guard down

"Now that I know how it feels to have you, I'd give up on my own life, before even considering giving up on you" she smiled her breath on my lips.

"Alice?" she said after a silence.

"Yes?"

"We don't have school for the next three days" she stated.

I smiled "I know"

"Would that be okay, if we spent them together. I don't want this date to ever end" she asked

_If you asked me to spend my life with you I'd say yes._

I nodded.

"My house or the manor?" I asked

"Anywhere with you is home to me, my love" she answered.

**a bit of love in this cruel world.**

**I didn't want this chapter to end but I do have to stop writing at some point I hope you liked it :)**

**Thank you for all your reviews :)**

**Cerebrum Versatile**


	9. Chapter 9

**BELLA'S POV**

"I love you" I felt my heart beat at these words

"Do you mean it" I whispered hoping that this just wasn't all a dream.

"I love you" she repeated, and just like that a century of waiting in agony came to an end. There were no words to make her feel what I fel so I kissed her, with all that I am, with all that I could be next to her. Trusting her reaction completely.

"I've never loved anyone else but you" I said, my lips still close to hers, her perfet pink, inviting, tempting lips. She loved me! Of all she loved me back! I couldn't be happier.

"Alice?"

"Hum"

"Tell me that you love me again, please. It's the only words I've ever craved for"

"I love you, Bella Cullen, even if I thought my heart couldn't bare to love again. I love you."

Again she made my heart beat. Again I thought about how I waited all my life for that. I claimed her lips again, not accepting that they could exist without being glued to mine.

"Bella" I heard her say.

Never my name was pronounced by more graceful lips. Never has it gave me the urge to rip her clothes off.

"Yes, my love" I replied my voice husky from my earlier thoughts still holding the pride of having her as mine _my love_

"I am sure I am still going to mess up. Tell me that you won't give up on me" and at that moment I felt her opening up completely. And she was beautiful, her entire being was perfect. Perfect for me. Perfect for all to see but only for me to have.

How could she even think I'd give up on her. Love of mine, you were once broken but I vow on my life to heal every wound, to make each of your days better than the one before.

"Now that I know how it feels to have you, I'd give up on my own life, before even considering giving up on you"

I never spoke words that were so true. I wouldn't have gave up on her even if I didn't know what her lips tasted like. I wouldn't have gave up on her even if I only imagined the tenderness of her touch. I wouldn't have gave up on her even if for her I was just a chimera. I'd never give up on her she's the fight I was born to contend, she's the victory I longed for. I love you so much my Alice.

Having to drive her home cuts through me, having to let go of her, even for a little time of the day hurt me in more ways than I thought possible.

"Alice?"

"Hum"

"We don't have school for the next three days" I stated

She smiled, could I die for that smile? Yes, but It just gave me the will to live.

"I know" she said

"Would that be okay, if we spent them together. I don't want this date to ever end"

_Truth was I could easily replace these three days with eternity, because that is what I truly wanted. I wanted eternity with Alice Brandon._

She nodded.

"My house or the manor?" she asked

I couldn't care less, if I was with her. If only she was aware of what I was feeling, if only she shared the intesity of the fire in me burning for her. But she didn't know, she couldn't know so I'll wait...For her I'll wait until time itself gives up on us.

"Anywhere with you is home" I answered.

_Anywhere with you is heaven. Anywhere with you, that's where I want to be._

"Maybe the manor, my house is … I don't know" she seemed to be struggling with whatever she wanted to say.

"It's okay, Alice you don't have to justify it" I said fearful that in the process of opening up she decides to close off again like she did when she told me about her parents.

_Her parents, such a nobel word for these... I shouldn't get myself angry, not when she is next to me, not when the world gave me what I would've gave the world for._

When she pulled her body into me, so I can take her back home, I shivered. She made my cold dead body shiver from pleasure anticipation. Having her scent so close, her perfect shape trying to melt on mine. She was holding on so tight. I didn't tell her that I didn't take the quickest way home, I won't tell her that I went in circles for minutes just so this moment lasts. My love the things you do to me.

I felt her yawn against my neck and I realized that it was time for her to go to bed. Time for her to go to that secret place I'll never be a part of, but wanted so deperately to have.

As we arrived I immediately pulled her to bed. She looked like an angel with that jacket too big for her, but still I don't think I'll ever like it on anyone else. Actually I think I'm going to convince Emmett to give it to her, it won't take a lot of effort he already thinks of her as a sister and would give it to her without the slightest hesitation.

"Alice my love, you should sleep" I said as I helped her take the jacket off. She was here in front of me in her little dress that I wanted so badly to strip.

Her eyes pleaded for me to understand something. Clothes! Of course she'll need clothes to sleep.

"I am going to lend you clothes" I said.

I saw relief in her eyes. I hope someday she won't fear talking to me. I wish someday she won't fear anything anymore.

I ran quickly and grabbed her some of my clothes. She went to the bathroom in order to change and I prayed for that day she will allow me to see her body.

_Her perfectly shaped form, her perfectly shaped naked form. She would be so perfect._

She came out. And made me realize how my clothes were designed to make her beautiful. If anything they were made to make it even harder for me to not tear them away.

She came and snuggled into me. Alice didn't speak very often, her words were often chosen to end a conversation, never to start one.

"Sleep well, my love" I said still in contemplation of this evening events.

She nodded against my skins.

"Thank you" she whispered. And I fell a little bit more in love with her delicacy.

I kissed her forehead. She was soon asleep. I watched her captivated by the rising and falling of her chest, such a beautiful sight. My love, my mate, keeper of my heart.

As I laid there next to her and I couldn't help but replay all that happened between us, from the first time I saw her, in the cafeteria. I saw her and a wave of joy and craving rose in me. When I first heard her speak, her voice was so harsh, her eyes when she thought we would harm her. Her face when she believed that I'd let anything happen to her on y watch.

I guess I always thought my mate would be a vampire, I never imagines I'll be faced with a non-immediate response to my feelings. But I don't regret it, hell! I even thank fate that it was her, no one and nothing else but her.

And the first time I saw her crying in that forest, when I walked towards her to ease her pain, she backed away, from me. Having your mate scared of you, while you're willing to set the world on fire for them hurts. But she undid her action. And that was the first moment I felt that she cared. It was so hard for me to get her to talk to me, all these times I held her when she cried, she cried for others people mistakes, she carried a guilt that was not hers to carry. I wanted to lift all the weight of the world from her shoulders, but I couldn't, I still can't. I see her eyes widen in fear, every time I try to get close. I suprise myself wanting to make them all pay, every single fool who didn't treat my love with all the respect she deserved.

That time Mike asked her out, he dared, he touched her while I still hadn't, he asked her out when all I could do is hope she'll look at me. I lost it, I dragged her out and I kissed her. I'll never regret that kiss, I'll never regret that moment, no matter why it happened, fate, destiny or pure luck it was what I needed, what she needed, what we needed to get things right between us. Because since that moment the existence of an "us" couldn't be denied anymore.

Alice's body got closer to me, making it harder to keep my mind out of the gutter. She was what poets would call a muse...

The morning came soon, bringing in me a duality of emotions, the happiness to have her awake with me again and the sadness of having her letting go of the strong cuddling she did while she was asleep.

"Good morning, beautiful" I whispered in her ear.

She just burried her face in the crook of my neck, before mumbling what felt like a good morning.

"Did you sleep well?"

She nodded.

Sometimes I wanted to tell her that with me she could talk; she could voice all that went through her mind I'll be more than happy to hear it all, but I don't want to rush her. I want her to do it at her own rhythm even if to be perfectly truthful I was rather impatient.

"I'll let you take a shower, I'll be downstairs" I said caressing her cheeks.

She nodded again.

I gave her towels and some clothes. One of the hardest moments of my life, not bursting in this bathroom and claim her completely, mate her properly. It was like an animalistic instinct, I knew that until I mated her I'll be scared every moment that she'll leave me because I haven't claimed her as mine.

I ran to grab breakfast, I didn't think she'll spend the night. I hoped but never thought it'll actually happen I was totally unprepared.

Luckily when I was back home, she was still under the shower. I heard her coming downstairs. No matter how I tried to get used to the thought it still made butterflies erupt in my stomac, she loved me. She loved me!

I walked towards her not being able to contain my urge this time, and pulled her in a kiss, she responded with as much fire as I kissed her. I wanted her, I wanted all of her. But as my hand slid under her shirt, she pulled away. I was scared.

_Well done Isabella Cullen, now she is going to be scared of you, she is not ready it's obvious why can't you just see it._

**Alice's POV**

She kissed me like she wanted more, I couldn't give her more, could I ever stand naked in front of that stunnig creature, would she want me if she saw the state my body was in? Would she kiss my scars away? Or would she throw me out of bed and go find someone who actually was worth the trouble.

I love you so much Bella Cullen, why couldn't I be a normal person, for you I wish I was.

"I am sorry Alice, I didn't mean to... I mean I shouldn't have... I let my needs got the best of me..."

She looked so scared. She was scared... what was she scared of?

What should I say, that I don't think I'll ever be ready to show her my whole me, to show her a body that was abused and disgraced so many times, to tell her that it was all I could give her.

"Alice, please let's just say it never happened okay, I got you breakfast, okay?" she said fear still written on her face.

What should I say?

I nodded.

_Making her believe that she was at fault when you were to blame, great job Alice! You are right she changed you, she offered you one person you coulf hurt when you ran out of victims._

The thought of it made me sick.

"I am sorry" I whispered "So sorry"

She was soon wrapping her arms around me.

"No, my love never be sorry for acting on your will with me. I'll love you no matter what, if you forgive me for coming on to you a bit strong" she said

I nodded.

Talking to her, was like a rhapsody of peace.

"Now eat your breakfast, we have a whole day, waiting for us" she smiled.

Seeing her smile made me smile. She was the cure to whatever illness I had.

Bella never fail to make everything better.

"Alice?" she asked while I was eating.

"Yes" I smiled

"I love you" she crinkled her nose while smiling adorably at me.

"Bella?" I said

"Yes"

"I love you" I smiled at my turn.

And what would've sounded foolish to me a few days ago, tasted now like Ambroisie.

**That's it for today I hope you liked it :)**

**Thank you for all your reviews.**

**Cerebrum Versatile**


	10. Chapter 10

**First of all I am sorry it took so long to update I had computer problems and all the story was erased so, here it is I bought a new one and I am starting again.**

It was still hard to believe, I was here with Alice, with my Alice. She was currently sitting on my lap, as I was telling her about how we all were changed, I told her about Carlisle ways, about he waited for us to be dying, about how delicate he was, about how awful the change felt, I left only a few details, like how I wanted her to be one of us. I could hear her heart beat, I could feel her breathing, I could feel life in her and it only reminded me that it might not be there anymore if she wasn't so strong.

Edward refused to tell me anything about what he read in Alice, and I didn't insist at all, I would rather hear the truth come from her beautiful lips, than my brother's. But he said something that made me love him a little more, he said "_I'll never be one of those who betrayed her_" . It kills me to know they were so many...

All Jasper told me, was that Alice was broken, that people shattered her, that he felt insecurity, sadness coming for her, he said he never felt anger towards anyone else but herself though, and that's something I don't get she's never angry, not at them for what they've put her through, not at me when I snap at her. She was only angry at herself all the time. Angry at what I can't seem to understand, but I'll right it, every single wrong that she went through I'll make it right.

Alice was something else, she could spend entire minutes having inner debates that I knew nothing of, she could smile so brightly and make my heart melt, she was like a complex equation. And I loved it, I love her.

We didn't talk about the incident again, I didn't talk to her about the mating bound at all, I didn't want to, _I didn't have the guts. How_ should I do it? What should I tell her?

"_Hey Alice, you know as long as you and I don't sleep together, so I can bite you and mark you as mine. I'll feel animal jealousy and I'll experience rage and the need to kill every fool who lays eyes on you or talk to you a bit too closely"_

Yeah, that will do it! She'll leave running out the house, And even if she stays she'll freak out completely.

My personal rant was interrupted by Alice's phone, which is weird because it never rings, even I didn't have her phone number. She seemed just as confused as I was.

"Hello?" she let out unsure

"Alice, Alice Brandon?" a young male voice asks

"Yes" she says

"Alice, it's me, it's Jake"

"Jake" A wide smile appears on my mate's face.

"How are you?" he asks

_She's with me!_ I wanted to yell in the phone.

"I am fine, How are you? How did you get my number? Where are you? Wait, Are you okay?"

It was the first time that I heard Alice talk this much. And I couldn't help a smile to make its way on my face.

"Easy there" he laughed "I am fine, Los Angeles, From the asylum files. I kind of escaped and ran" he finishes.

"You what?"

"I had to Alice, That's why I am calling you actually, I was wondering if you could possibly offer me a shelter" he asks hopefully.

"Of course Jake, I am in Forks, it's a small town all the way to the north" she says

"I know Forks, would it be good if I came tomorrow?"

"Of course Jake"

"I promise I'll tell you everything tomorrow, thank you so much Alice, thank you" he said sincerely

"You're welcome, see you tomorrow Jake" with that she hung up

Her breathing change, and I can't figure out if it's happiness, apprehension or something else.

"Who was that?" I venture

"Jake" she whispers almost to herself

"And who is Jake?" I smile, I couldn't help but ask

"Jake and I were in the same asylum" she says "Bella, can I use the bathroom?" she asks quickly

"Of course, Alice" I answer.

She got up and I hear her climbing the stairs, I hear the bathroom door open, I hear a long sigh when she is in, I hear her turn on the water, and splash it on her face.

"Come on Alice" she tells herself "You trust Bella, so it's time to talk to her"

If I could cry I would've shed a tear. It was obviously very hard for her to open up and I could understand it every person she opened up to hurt her. And here she was trying again, risking it all again, I admired her more than I thought possible for her strength. I wish that just for one day she could see herself through my eyes, it will make any insecurity vanish.

I hear her turn off the water. She comes back and sits next to me on the couch, I bring her into me like I always do unable to handle any distance she puts between us.

"When I was in the …..Jake was put there because he was diagnosed with **Clinical lycanthropia **it means that he was sure he could turn into a wolf, that he had a wolf that lived within him. As crazy as it sounds I believed him, I still do I mean I can see the future who am I to say anyone is crazy" she stops and take a deep breath, I rub her back, and I feel her relax..

"He is the closest thing I have... I had of a friend, he said he escaped from there and he needed a place to stay, I told him he could stay with me"

"Are you sure it is safe?"

She nodded.

"When we were is the... when we were there, things were very different, it's very different from anything you'll ever experience it's colder than a hospital, there is no compassion for patients, from the nurses nor from other patients. We kind of all close off in our own little personal world. When I was in there they experienced a new treatment inspired from electroshock therapy, they thought if they shot the right amount of electricity on a particular zone of the brain it will make my visions go away." Again she posed to inhale, I put all my strength to fight the rising anger, I swore I'll never impose my anger on her. I keep my mouth shut and I soothe her with my gestures.

"The problem is that not only I still had vision but it made my body shake so hard I'd scar myself"

I could see she was fighting tears.

"Alice whatever you went through it's over I promise, I won't let anyone hurt you ever again, and if you want me to go there and make them pay for all they've done to you I'd be happy to oblige" I say

She shakes her head.

"No, it's just when it would happen, Jake would always come and sit next to my bed and hold my hand while my whole body was shaking its way to recovery.

"We didn't really speak, or felt the need to, when he was the one being shocked I'd do the same for him, we found comfort in the coldest place that's why I fell safe enough with him to let him stay, he'd never hurt me"

I didn't know what to think, I trust Alice's judgment but the guy believes he has a wolf in him, and I don't know it might be jealousy speaking or I don't know but I don't trust him. As much as I am grateful for he was here for her when I wasn't, that he made her feel comfort when I couldn't, still I didn't trust him.

But what could I say? Did I even have the right to say anything at all?

"Please say something" whispered Alice.

I pulled her in a hug, burying my head in her hair, yes my Alice opened up to me today and I wouldn't ruin this moment with anger or jealousy or personal insecurity.

"I can't wait to meet this Jake" I stated honestly " thank you for opening up Al"

She whispered something against my skin.

"What was that?" I smiled

"I love you"

I'll never get tired of hearing of these words.

I touched her lips with mine, I worship the tenderness she kisses me with, I caress her lips slowly, but quickly loose my patience as I need to kiss her more intensely, I push myself in her a bit more, and she steadies herself on my lap, my hand slowly explore her dressed body, starting from her low back and making its way up to her hair. My other hand doesn't move from her hip, My tongue begs for entrance, Alice allows it. I feel warmth spreading in me, quickly fogging my thoughts. My mate is so fragile in my arms, I know I must control my strength, I know I must not claim her as mine right now, not on this table, not like this even if the simple thought of it drives me on the edge.

Our kiss is having an effect on her, I can feel it, I can feel her heart beating trying to break free from its ribs cage. Not being able to control my need I pull her body into mine as subtly as I could trying to fade the distance between our centers. Alice doesn't protest but I can feel the need for air that she is experiencing, I unhappily let go of her mouth to let her breathe.

"Wow" she whispers

I smile, the sexual tension within me has not been released but how could I complain. Having Alice on my lap facing me.

"That was unexpected" I smiled

"Good or bad?" she asks unsure

"Good, Alice, really good" I say "I thought my body made that clear" I smiled

She blushes, I smell the blood rushing to her cheeks, and I realize that I don't feel the urge to suck her dry, but still I'll always worry about harming her, Esmee always leaves some bags of blood in the basement. I should go and feed just to be sure.

"Alice, I'll be right back" I tell her as she untangle her body from mine.

**Alice's POV**

I watch Bella get up from the couch and run towards the kitchen, I on the other hand didn't come back from that kiss just yet.

It almost felt unreal, for the first time we both expressed need in a kiss, the need for more, and even though I still feel the need, even though I feel the heat travel my body rushing into my center to make my resolves melt in a constant throbbing, but I am not ready.

_And you think she's going to wait for you! God think Alice she could do anyone and so much better than you, she's not going to wait!_

She must wait for me, I can't do it not just now. I need to be okay first, I need to feel okay...

_You'll never be okay, you should as well tell her to find someone else now to fulfill her needs!_

But I can't I love her, I want her to wait because I am scared...

_You're an idiot! She's a hundred years old vampire she's seen it all and done it all. Of course you'll deceive her in bed what do you think..._

True...

It shattered me to know that all I'll be when we'll be intimate is disappointing. But I can train, maybe I will suck at first but I'll get better...

_You wish.._

I hear her chuckle, I turn around to see her laying on the living room's door.

"Sometimes I would love to have Edward's power, just to know what's going on in that pretty head of yours" she smile as she join me on the couch.

_If you knew it would make my life easier._

"Yeah me too" I whisper

_If you knew you'd make it all better, I'm sure..._

She grabbed y waist to pull me closer to her.

"Or" she smiled caressing my cheek "Or you could just tell me, my love" she smiled

_I wish I could tell you, I wish I was brave enough._

My blue eyes dived in her golden ones, and I surprised myself wanting nothing more than be able to say it all. Just open my mouth and let it all out. But no such thing happened, my mouth stayed sealed, much to our disappointment..

Bella must've understood that nothing was going to come out, because she changed the subject.

"Are you excited about seeing Jake?" she asked

Was I?

_Yes, Jake knows everything with him words were useless only stares were meaningful, I was happy to see him, I was glad I had a friend that was mine, and only mine. I feel happy that I can let Bella meet him and to see him with her, I'd feel like I have a family again._

But there was no way I'll tell her all of that. So I just nodded.

She hugged me, and I felt safe like I always do when she is near.

Bella was driving me, to the bus station, where Jake is supposed to arrive. My apprehension was getting the best of me.

"Hey are you alright?" asked Bella

"Yes, I am fine" I answered even though we could hear excitement in my voice.

As soon as she parked the car I was out...

"Hey wait up" she said

I did "Sorry, it's just.." I spluttered

"I get it Alice, let's go look for him" she smiled

I only had the time to turn around before being pulled in a bear hug.

"Aliiiice"

"Jake!" I exclaimed as I hugged him with all the strength I could find in me.

"It's so good to see you Al"

"You too" I said as I let hi go "Jake this is Bella Cullen"

**I'll update soon, if nothing bad happens to my computer again.**

**For the followers of my other story Acceptis, I haven't given up but the story was also on my old computer so during my holidays I'll rewrite and post it complete as soon as I can.**

**Thank you**

**Cerebrum Versatile**


	11. Chapter 11

"Hello Bella, I am Jacob Black, nice to meet you" he said extending his hand for her to shake.

"Black?" she said ignoring his hand.

_Bella is acting really weird..._

"Yes, ma'am Black" he smiled

"Nice to meet you, Jacob" she said wearing an emotionless mask

Jake enveloped me in a bone crushing hug again, and I heard Bella growl. He let me go

"Ali-cat I can't believe you are actually here, you look good, you look great really"

I gave him a toothy smile

"You look good too, what's with all the muscles, last time I saw you we had the same body strength" I said

We walked towards the car chatting like two little girls...

**Jake's POV**

_Bella Cullen! _My inner wolf screamed for me to rip her head off! Of all the people Alice could've hung out with she chose Vampires! But I could not do that. One because I couldn't phase in front of people. Two because I had no guarantee I could win this fight, I am not arrogant enough to think that the wolf in me was invincible. Three because I saw the way Alice looked at her, I don't know what Alice knows and what she doesn't but tonight we'll talk about it...

_Alice..._ Alice...Alice. Alice was here next to me chatting with me, In five minutes she said more to me than in years. Maybe getting out of that shit hole we were living in was the best thing we could've dreamed of. If they thought than anyone could heal in that place they were the crazy ones.

Alice kept throwing glances at Bella, who was curiously silent, not a doubt she figured out who I was, or more like what I was. But I couldn't care less, I know she would not tell anyone, and what could one vampire do against me. _Maybe there is more than one vampire here?_

"So Bella, How did you meet Alice?" I fish for as much information as I can.

"We're in the same high school" she answers briefly

"Ah, Alice you went back to high school, that takes some determination' I laughed

"Yes, are you going to go back to school too?" she asked.

"Yes, I guess I am, but I am going to wait a little though" I said

Bella was driving us towards Alice's house, so I could finally talk to her privately...

**Bella's POV**

_A shape shifter! A ****** shape shifter! _I have already huge issues with anyone getting close to Alice, but a shape shifter that was too much. I don't even know how I'll handle all this. Alice was right the guy has a wolf in him! Not only did he have a wolf in him he also turns in one. And he was going to spend the night with my mate, at her house, where I wasn't there to protect her, to check that he's not even thinking about laying a finger on her skin. If he thinks he can have her he is wrong definitely wrong!

I drove, and Alice house was getting closer and closer... Soon I'll have to leave her with _him. _I could take another useless turn and make the road longer but I'll still have to face it I'll have to ….

I parked the car in front of Alice's house.

"Here we are" I said

"Cool, your house looks like an old movie Ali-cat" he said

_Stop calling her Ali-cat ! Stop making her blush! _

"Bella you want to come in?" she asked unsure

"No, it's okay, I'd like to speak with you Alice" I said "privately" I add

"That's my cue to go, I'll wait for you inside Al" he smiled

I watch him get inside the house.

"Alice I want to ask you can't Jake sleep in a hotel room. I'll pay for it maybe he'll be more comfortable there"

"You think he'll be uncomfortable with me?" she said unsure

"No, I just think it would be better"

"But, he wants to sleep here, and honestly I want him here to" she said with a small voice

"Why?!" I asked my voice raising a bit

"I don't know, I just do" she said her voice shaking.

My jealousy was driving me crazy. Why can't she just tell him to leave? A shape shifter.

"Alice he is not what he seems to be" I said

"What do you mean?"

"He's not human" I said

"She knows that" he answered getting out of the house.

"I didn't talk to you mutt" I snapped

"Bella!" Alice hissed.

It was the first time she hissed at me directly! It was because of him! He is ruining everything.

"Alice know I am a wolf" he said again

"You do?" I asked

"Yes, I told you, I believed him when he said he could turn into a wolf" she said not meeting my gaze.

"And I assume she knows you're a leech" he said

"Jake!" Alice hissed again.

"Look mutt this has nothing to do with you, so if you know what is right for you, you'll leave now"

I don't know what's happening to me, my mouth has a will of her own. At this exact moment I don't really care about anything else than getting as far away as I could from my mate.

"It has everything to do with me" he smiled.

The irony was that my blood was boiling but he seemed to be quite calm.

"You think I am going to let a guy who just got out of an asylum here" I said before thinking

Alice face clenched with pain.

"Jake please go back inside" she said slowly "Bella I think you should go home" she said

"Al-"

"No, Bella just go home"

"I didn't-"

"Go" she said turning to get inside her house.

_STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! _

_Bella you are stupid, she'll never forgive me! I didn't mean it like that Alice I am so sorry! _

"Please forgive me" I whispered in front of a closed door.

**Jake POV:**

Alice got inside the house,her beautiful smile replaced by a frown, and for a second it felt like we were back in that place again. For a second all I want to do is go back out there and kill the leech for that frown...

Alice and I never needed words. I wrap my arms around her frail body. I plant a kiss on her forehead. I've grown a lot since the last time I saw her, and if before she seemed small next to me, now I feel like she could disappear into my arms, and I surprised myself loving the feeling.

"Tell me everything" she whispered against my chest.

I nodded.

"When you left, things got a bit harder for me, because apart from you I didn't have anything"

"I am sorry" she said

That's my Alice always thinking about everyone else.

"It's okay, after that, I felt like the wolf was getting stronger and stronger, and I knew I couldn't handle the wolf in me anymore when a new psychiatrist was assigned to me"

"So you ran?"

"Alice you know what Bella is, right?"

When I saw the flash of pain cross her eyes I regretted bringing her name.

"A Vampire"

"Exactly, Alice wolves and vampires they can't stand each other. I didn't know why, or how but my wolf was going crazy when I was with this new doctor, but when I saw him trying to feed on a patient I understood what he was, I lost control I transformed"

"You killed him?" she asked

"No, I am a young wolf, he won without much trouble, and I ran before he could end me" I said

She nodded.

We sat there for a few minutes, I gave her some time to think, and handle everything. Bella's words and mine, even though I felt mine weren't the hardest to get settled.

"Your turn" I said after a while

She looked at me questioningly.

"You hanging out with vampires, you leaving the asylum" I smiled

"Oh" she said

"I missed you do much" I laughed taking her in my arms again.

**Bella's POV:**

I was driving back home chocking dry sobs, how could I? _How could I!_

_**THANK YOU FOR READING I HOPE YOU LIKE IT**  
_

_**CEREBRUM VERSATILE**_


	12. Chapter 12

**Bella's POV:**

I was driving back home choking dry sobs, how could I? _How could I!_

I knew, I know how much it was a tough subject for Alice. I should have been honest. Just honest. Tell her that I was jealous, insecure, and now I've hurt her.

When I entered my house I saw Edward sitting on the couch, I sat next to him.

"You want to talk about it?" he said softly

"I can't believe I said that, Ed, you know I just said it! What's the point of being a vampire if I can't have more control than a shape shifter."

"Are you sur that's what worrying you?"

"He is in her house, Ed! In her house with her, with my mate" I nearly screamed "and I am here with you"

"I am not that bad" he smiled

"It's not funny Edward!"

"You're right it's not, but Bells she is your mate why don't you tell her the truth explain your feelings and jealousy and see where it goes"

"She won't even want to hear me out" I whispered brokenly

"Yes, she will. Bella, Alice loves you I know it, Jasper knows it, Rosalie knows it, everyone can see it, trust her like she trusted you"

_True she trusted me, and I didn't trust her back. I should go back to her and tell her the truth._

"Or you could wait until you calmed down, prepared your speech and tell her at school"

**Jake's POV:**

Alice told me everything, I can see that she loves Bella from the way she speaks about her, and I can't help but feel jealous, I always thought that at some point Alice was mine.

I am not sad about what happened to her parents, if I could I would go back and kill them myself. Alice and I are currently watching a movie called TOP SECRET, she said I was going to love it, it's the first movie she saw with the leech. The movie was good but I wanted to create new memories with her, not have a pale second hand version of her souvenirs.

"Alice, do you mind showing me around" I asked

"There is not much to see in Forks you know" she said

"It's okay, it'll still be more than I am used to, you know" I smiled

"You're right, we'll take my car and we'll go for a ride" she said getting up to grab her keys.

I was starting to experience weird feelings around Alice, maybe discovering her body in its natural control, not shaking. Or maybe it was the fact that she smiled to me. I don't really know what it is, but I know that it's here.

"Let's go" she said grabbing her jacket

"After you my lady" I said gesturing like a british gentleman

Forks isn't as bad as I pictured it. The first time I came here I was twelve we came to visit my grandpa Jim Black, my father, Sam Black never liked the reservation, he wanted a different life in a city, far from myths and legends. I still see his eyes gazing me when I told him about the wolf. I was fourteen and for my father I died that day. He felt like all he ran from was getting back at him, and I was the reason of it all. He did what I never thought he could do, he gave up on me. He ignored what he knew and bet on my insanity. I will never forgive him. That's why being here feels right, because it is where I belong. My father should have never left because it is our home. Here people will get my feelings, here I am not a mad man, here I am a wolf, here I am a man. Here I am not ashamed.

"Alice, why did you choose Forks?" I asked curious

"Do you remember the first time we spoke to each other, with words I mean?" she asked

"Of course it was the day they brought in that disgusting movie to make us feel better" I laughed at the memory. _Psychiatrists are crazy!_

"Well, that day you told me that if you'd ever get out of there you'll run to Forks" she smiled " I am sorry I kind of stole your idea" she smiled sheepishly

I got a warm feeling inside. At least I am that important for her. At least I hope so.

"It's okay" I laughed "As long as you want me here with you"

She nodded.

"Alice, can I ask you something?"

"You never needed my approbation before" she smiled

"True, what I'd like to know" _Do you love Bella more than you love me? "_Can I go to school with you tomorrow?" I asked instead _COWARD!_

"Yes sure, it would be great." she smiled

We drove for a few hours before deciding to go back at her place.

**Bella's POV**

"I don't want to wait until tomorrow, I am going to hers now, I don't want her to sleep mad at me. Thanks Edward"

"My pleasure little sis"

I decided not to take the car, I wanted to get there as fast as I could, I didn't want to loose any second. I was going to apologize tell her that I don't deserve her, _which was completely true_. And I'll explain everything about the bound, the jealousy, I am going to beg for pardon.

I arrived at her place surprised by the silence. I knocked on the door, nothing. I listened carefully not even hearing their breathing. It's okay maybe they went out for dinner.

I called her phone, only to hear it ring inside the house.

I spent the first hour sitting next to the door. One hour it's okay Bella it's not that much. Maybe they just got busy chatting.

_The thought of her chatting with him, when she would barely mumble a few words in my presence was enough to make my jealousy rise again._

Maybe I should go find them after all, there are not many places in Forks to have dinner.

I started running I tried every place with food in Forks, they were in none. I felt panic rising in me. Where was my mate? Why can't I feel her? What kind of sick joke is that? Why did she go out without calling me?!_ Because you are not her mother that's why!_

I went back to her place still no one.

Another hour sitting on her backyard waiting for the car, waiting for a sound, waiting for a sign. Nothing she didn't call, I was starting to go mad.

How could she get out with him? Maybe he asked her on a date and she said yes? Maybe seeing him reminded her that she was in love with him? Maybe she is kissing him right now! Maybe they can stay outside because they're doing it in her car!

The chair I was holding onto broke under the pressure of my hand.

_Bella Cullen! You are going crazy there is no need for all this. You just wait and when she gets home you ask her politely where she was and you'll see there was no reason for all that fuss!_

_But what if there is a reason_

_what of there's not_

I was pulled out of my thoughts, by the sound of her car I ran to the front door, only to see her turn in the street I watched the car getting closer and closer. I couldn't see Alice's eyes because of her car's light. So I waited she pulled and got out.

"Bella, is everything okay? She asked

I pulled her in my arms, she was safe at least that was for sure.

"Where were you?" I whispered in her ear

"Jake wanted me to show him around, so we drove for a bit" she whispered back

"Alice you were gone for hours" I said a bit louder

She didn't answer.

"Well I'll leave you girls alone" laughed Jake.

_There is nothing funny!_

Once we were alone, I pulled away from her embrace.

"why didn't you take your phone?" I asked

"I forgot it" she answered

"Have you any idea how worried I was!" my voice louder and louder "do you have any idea, how it felt to wait for you hourse, not knowing where you were"

"Why?" she asks

_Her why, makes all my worry turn into blind raw anger. How could she ask why hasn't she got any idea how much I love her! How much I care for her! Didn't I say it loud enough!_

"How can you even ask that Alice? How can you ask that after everything?" I nearly yell

"Please don't raise your voice" she asks brokenly

My anger vanishes. I hug her tightly.

"I am sorry I just was so worried, I love you Alice, I'll always worry, it's not a reason to yell, I am sorry. It's just I wanted to appologize for earlier, for what I said, for that too I have no excuses. Duh! I feel like the worst girlfriend ever" I say

"No you're not, I love you too, it just hurts so much to know that you think that because we've been to an asylum we're not trustable"

"No, Alice of course I trust you, it's you want to sit with me there is something I must tell you"

I led her to the backyard.

"What happened to the chair?" she asked

"I must apologize for that too" I smiled unsure "Alice, when vampires find their mates, they feel the nedd to claim them"

"What does it mean?" she asks

"It means, it's like an animal need to mark them."

"How?"

"Erm"_ How am I suppose to explain that "_let's say that in order to mate properly we need to, you know"

I can smell the blood running to her cheeks as she blushed furiously, her breathing is hitching and she tenses up a bit.

"but I know you're not ready, so it's okay, it's just that in the mean time I'll feel like every person who talks to you want to take you away from me"

She doesn't say a single thing seemingly swallowing all I've thrown at her.

I can hear her heartbeat increase, I can see the frown on her beautiful face and I want to kiss it away.

"What if I'll never be ready?" she asks

"What do you mean?"

"I mean for you know" she says blushing again

"Alice, you will be in time. And I am willing to wait as long as you want, no matter how long it is, because there is no one else I desire."

"But what if you see me, I mean all of me, and you realize that you don't like it"

I can't understand how she could possibly think that.

"Alice" I whispered "I love you, I love everything about you, and I am sure that I am going to worship all of you" I say

I feel she wants to say more but she stays quiet.

**Jake's POV:**

I leave Alice with her outside, I am trying as hard as I can not to get out and take Alice away. I try to convince myself that I am not this type of person. I am braver than that.

But why would Alice love her, how could she after all she just seem like an angry leech To me.

Maybe that is why, because she's a leech, maybe Alice is just under some kind of spell. I never heard anything about that mating thing. And as far as I know Alice and Bella didn't do it. I didn't smell her on Alice's body when I hugged her. If they were truly soul mates they would've done it for sure.

I start thinking of a way I could get Alice far from that monster she was apparently falling for.

I don't know much of Bella's weaknesses except her temper. And that is something I can play with.

They've been sitting in the back yard for a few minutes now. Bella is running her finger up and down on Alice's arm.

"She is mine" I start whispering "I know more about her than you ever will"

I see Bella's eyes shot straight to the window where she is met with my smile.

**Bella's POV:**

"_She is mine" _he whispers "_I know more about her than you ever will"_

I can't believe what I am hearing, I shoot a glance to where the voice is coming from. I see his grin, stupid grin.

My whole body tensed.

"_She is going to be mine, sooner or later leech"_

Anger boil up in me, I am up in a glimpse. I can feel anger radiating through me...

_**That's another chapter for today since I didn't like the previous one.**_

_**If anyone has any idea about what should happen next I am totally open to suggestions**_

_**My updates are taking long because it's kind of hard rewriting something, harder than writing it.**_

_**Thank you for reading.**_

_**CEREBRUM VERSATILE**_


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